Feels like my body has been running on autopilot. The consequence of which life just seems to go by even faster. Losing the ability to relax and the feeling of self-control, over-indulging in endless feeds of videos, games and services that further drain the energy that I so crave to return. To a point where it feels more like an addiction, with my body now responding with physical discomforts and a relapse of anxiety that I have not felt for years.
But I think everything’s going to be alright.
Getting out of bed is a drag, my apartment might be a bit messy, work and relationships not going as well I’d like, procrastinated every possible task that needs to be done.. You know. Right now, I’m just surprised to find myself writing about it whilst grateful to be acknowledging that I’m in a rut.
I'm motivated to get out of this. At the same time I’m scared I’ll just go back to autopilot on Monday.
In February, I’ll become a father and I want to be there for my son.
Where do I go from here?
When you get a flat tire you can catastrophically repeat over and over to yourself that "I've got a flat!" and point at it and run circles around the car and wonder what you're going to do and "omg I've got a flat this is terrible", or you can start telling yourself the story of the actions you're taking to fix the flat: 1) I'm finding the jack, 2) I'm loosening the lugs 3) I've got the spare ready, 4) you get the idea...
Reclaim your power and focus on the positive actions you are taking as minute as those seem in the moment. Meditate deeply on those, maybe even journal them daily so you force your brain to stare at the evidence that while you might feel like you're in a rut you are logically taking good steps through this rut experience.
Btw, don't underestimate the impact of the stresses of coming fatherhood, you've got a lot going on unconsciously that's less a "rut" and more like your entire biology reconfiguring itself for a new daily role. You do need to make some changes, ideally make a list of what your brain is telling you to change, but you'll be OK man.
Struggling with anxiety and depression for 20+ years, I find little activities help show my brain I’m not in a rut, I’m finding progress every day. Start with good sleep to refresh yourself, better nutrition to power your body, daily exercise to burn off stress and being mindful of the little moments. Having those four wheels spinning is needed for daily traction.
And now as a Dad, those little activities involve making pancakes or pushing a swing. Hard to see the rut when your kid is smiling back. Prioritize that time with them, it goes fast!
I don’t want to get too meta, or say you’re wrong, but there’s a lot of us that are very much right in the middle of this pandemic. And it contributes to the rut.
If you live in a household that is collectively protecting a loved one who is immunocompromised, this pandemic hasn’t gone anywhere in the past two and a half years.
Shoot- even if you just don’t want to get covid, or long covid, or spread it through the community. It’s been a hard experience being part of the minority not pretending things are ‘back to normal’.
That’ll put ya in a rut.
Changing a flat has been done a million times so it a known blueprint you can follow, its easier to do such things even when you don't feel like doing it as it requires very little (mental)energy to do something you are instructed to do without the burden of responsibility, consequences and the certain nature of conclusion from it.
Whereas when it comes to your own life, vague steps are given and each of your action leads to some consequence which you have to tackle. You could face uncertainty in every step. You can lay down the steps other people take to get out of rut but you can be certain your path and your journey will be different from theirs which is scary and likely to add more stress.
So your point of claiming your power and focus is the real key imo, you gain that which gives you to confidence and the will power to handle uncertainty even when you are scared.
I apologize if this came out very confusing as I feel I could write a blog post about it with my scattered thoughts so its hard to condense my thought process into a smaller message.
The first thing you can do for yourself is changing your environment, or at least your routine, to as significant degree as you are able to, to avoid those frequently taken pathways in your brain that are wired to familiar signals. Non-familiar is your friend. Becoming a father should be able to help with that. We are highly affected by context, so fixing your room and your appearance will also help.
The second thing you can do yourself is introspection. You have to start to face the music, no matter how painful. You can't run away from your problems Shinji. To be able to deal with them, you have to identify them. Know thyself. This is where a psychologist can be helpful.
The catch is that both of these takes energy, support even, so don't fret if you keep failing, but don't give up either, escapism is not the answer. I have a useful tactic for bridging the intention-action gap:
1. Make it easy (effort) by increasing your ability to act or minimizing cost. Tiny steps, worth doing badly.
2. Make it attractive (reward, incentive), increasing motivation by highlighting benefits.
3. Make it timely.
Time and effort discounts the value of reward. We are wired to obtain rewards as soon as possible, spending the least amount of energy. The solution is to think big in the long-term, but small in the short-term. The cumulative effect takes care of the rest.
Besides this tactic of how to act, you need a strategy (what to do, what not to do, how to avoid bad cumulative effects, how to promote good ones) and a direction (how you perceive reality, flexibility, self-compassion helps here, as do a psychologist).
Again, don't forget, motivation is temporary. Small changes and improvements every day are cumulative. It still takes energy, support even, which is where fitness, sports, talking to the people in your life, making new friends can help. You can't always do it on your own.
I read about how important energy is, how energy management is key to everything. And the best way I read is to manage energy and not crash by the end of the day which can give that balance you need to keep going everyday without wavering from your goal(s).
But I seldom read about how to replenish energy effectively or how to have enough energy that by the end of the day you don't crash but have enough energy to keep doing things you want to do.
At the end of the day you are just one flimsy person in this big pile of spaghetti, surviving the best you can, so you have to learn to let it go. Not entirely, not to the point of an accelerated decay, but to the point of not taking life and yourself too seriously. You have to be like water.
So the intuitive idea that you start with a burst of motivation and then you maintain it with discipline is wrong. Motivation is exactly the kind of impulsive distraction that destroys discipline.
Starting with discipline means rejecting random motivation when it comes, just like you might want to reject candy or lighting up a joint. Starting with discipline means you make the commitment first, and you fight to stick to it without any of the motivational high.
From that lens, I started seeing "get my life together" thoughts at 1am to be as bad as the worst impulses I struggle with.
Gotta admit, on the first read I missed OP's announcement that he's about to become father already.
Just for the record, do not have a child as an attempt to escape depression :)
Something like "I think I have a depression. I want to get better I need support to do that. Could you help me by being a body double/help me clean my apartment/whatever?"
Involving other people creates accountability, which can help with the motivation on rough days
Finally, I'd also recommend seeing a mental health professional to determine if it's necessary to get treatment (which could be cognitive therapy, medication, or a mixture of both)
Taking care of yourself reaffirms to your brain that you value yourself, and will get you moving again in the right direction.
If I may "guess" what's going on:
You are becoming a father but you weren't planning on it, or the mother is not the right person for you, but you feel obligated and so you have no choice?
First of all, you always have a choice. Do your duty, but do it out of your own volition, not out of fear of being seen in a negative light by society / parents / etc.
If you must, try doing things that would upset people whom scold you fear. Quit your job and try to find another one or become independent and work contracts while building up a business.
Do something that you believe in your gut is the right thing to do even though it will upset some people. You will feel such a relief. Now you can act out of your own volition.
Now, do this with every aspect of life. Do what you believe is right. Take people's input if you must, but own the decision and don't be afraid of their reactions.
The first few months or so it's easy to leave everything to the mother, as the baby is basically just feeding and sleeping and pooping. It seems that you don't need to do much, so can take life easy and take on new projects. Wrong. This is when you need to do the most.
if you have family living nearby who can look after the child that will help a lot. If you don't, then sorry, you just need to accept that the next few years are going to be very demanding for you. If it's an option to relocate to be closer, I would highly suggest you take it.
If you are financially somewhat comfortable (I assume most people in tech are so, more or less), it's better to go independent.
The first few months you will be so busy and stressed out not only from the baby but from the wife too, specially given the possibility that OP is not on good terms with the mother of the child (not even sure if "wife").
Imagine being bossed around not only by your boss at your job that you are apathetic towards, but also by your wife, and obviously by the baby?
Resentment will grow.
Better be in control of at least one thing: your career.
I mean, unless you mean the process of putting on clean sheets. Obviously, I do that when I wash them (which also obviously isn't every day).
Show up daily, even in a small way. BJ Fogg's Tiny Habits stuff goes over this exhaustively, but basically it's better to go to the gym to do 1 minute of exercise than to not go at all, as it's more about building your identity than doing the actual thing effectively.
You should consider changing your relationship with your regret, so you can use it as this "pointy stick to motivate yourself" instead of this dull, directionless pain that pervades your life. This book is great [0].
Ask yourself "would I regret NOT doing this?" often. Would you regret not looking at this Orange Website, even if you feel the urge? Keep looking at your life through this lens to understand what you'll regret, and steer your ship accordingly.
Don't beat yourself up. You're not a machine. Address the things that are bringing you down by finding better replacements. Take time to form habits you prefer and let the rest sort itself out. Try to work towards small daily goals.
Best thing seems to be to go cold turkey. Instead you could do something meditative (e.g. taking walks, sports) or something that allows you to enter a flow state (e.g. reading a book).
Getting out of bed can be difficult, so it's best done out of habit and without thinking.
Some pointers
Anna Lembke On The Neuroscience of Addiction: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jziP0CEgvOw
Implementation intentions to form new habits: https://sites.google.com/site/unlvhowtolearn/implementation-...
I ended up seeking a psychiatrist who put me on prozac and wellbutrin, and started doing weekly therapy. It helped a lot, and I'm doing much better these days and I am no longer on the medication, just doing talk therapy.
For you, I would say consider seeking help from a psychiatrist, and just talk to them. They won't always put you on medication.
But I think more importantly, you should look for a therapist that you like and helps you. I was fortunate to find a great one on my first try, but talking to my therapist just lets me air all my life grievances, feel heard, and helps me just let go of things that don't matter.
It sounds like your symptoms are different than mine, so I think it makes sense to seek help from a professional.
Best of luck, this is a great first step to seeking help though, best of luck OP.
Once you get more energy, things will fall into place. So keep that as your first priority.
I used to get heavy migraine attacks, I could just shut myself in a room go to sleep and recuperate. Now I pop couple or even three ibuprofen to get by.
Achieving and maintaining a healthy weight, and being fit enough to care for yourself and others as long as you can, are life-changing decisions for the better.
Disclaimer: not a doctor, just narrating my experience. I would talk to your doctor and see if all is good there.
Get out of the house for several hours a day, even if it is just walking around aimlessly, as it will give you perspective and clear your mind; the physical exercise won't hurt either.
This is something we all go through at some stage of our lives - it is normal, don't fall into the trap of thinking otherwise.
Not trying to connect the dots - but perhaps you’re anxious and scared about being a parent with someone you don’t want to be with longterm and you feel conflicted? (Been there myself)
I know it’s hard to pinpoint source of such spirals but try your best to be there for your child - let that be the motivation and guiding star (not work) and I can assure you you’ll be excited about life again when the focus is not on you!
For starters - put together a nursery and baby proof the house. I can assure that alone will have your place organized and super clean. Take parenting class and meet others.
You’ll be an awesome father my dear friend and congratulations!
Doesn't have to be the whole thing. Focus on one manageable area or category, like laundry, bathrooms, vacuum, etc. Knock it out, then choose the next most logical (just swept? now mop).
Hard to get going at first, but once you start, sometimes it's just as hard to stop.
Talk to someone too. Not commiserate, which isn’t helpful, but someone who could help or offer objective advice or just even understand you better after you say your piece.
But it works the other way around, if the game becomes the primary means of satisfying those needs you are going to have a bad time.
I found myself in a similar situation 2 years ago, when it felt like the world was collapsing around me and the narrative of my life falling to pieces was the dominant soundtrack in my mind.
There was no easy fix, but I do believe that taking up a mindfulness/meditation practice was what helped me to become what I believe is the happiest I've been ever in my life for well over a year now.
The biggest change for me was the weakening of the feeling of the self as a distinct concept and the narrative attached to it. When that dropped away it was incredible how many habits that improved my quality of life just started happening. My sleep routine became fixed, I started exercising almost every day, and my friendships blossomed.
It's hard to describe - but these changes seemingly arose out of observation rather than an act of will.
Just one suggestion out of many, but I hope you find yourself feeling less stuck in the near future.
Good books to motivate drive for masculine purpose, including prioritizing the body instead of modern tendency to a sedentary isolation of the mind apart from the body:
Bronze Age Mindset by Bronze Age Pervert https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/40388177-bronze-age-m...
Sun and Steel by Yukio Mishima https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/62804.Sun_Steel
Goodluck
My apartment did not show evidence of life in it for years because I was too concentrated on my monitor screen. Life and the days rolled by seemingly I was barely in it to make any difference. I finally got a job that I like that is not tech oriented and now I spend most of my time standing and although my feet hurt I feel stronger now because of it.
I had a lot of high hopes with some work that I was doing but I was not thinking clearly to see it was really just a hobby that can't have legs.
The process of liquidation takes a certain threshold. When you start to notice it is already a little late. I took out 7 contractor sized bags of laundry and did the wash on anything made of fabric. I then took my wardrobe and started tossing stuff I didn't like or donating the better parts that didn't fit to the thrift. I replaced all my tshirts with polo to match my new employer dress code. Each shirt only cost $4 to replace from the salvation army (new ones would cost at least 4 times as much). I got smaller pants that now fit mostly without a belt though I still have wear one.
I spent about $150 of my new money for things like pillows and bedding and throw pillows and some GFS food.
I did some fun entertaining in my now clean apartment today. I made gyros from a kit I bought and made a salad for my brother. After that I toasted some marshmallows on the range and made smores in the oven. I have found that food pleases more than music if you know how to do either.
I've got plans to do some more entertaining now that I can do it. I didn't think of that when I started but now it seems doable. The more face time I have the better I feel. I think the Lord is behind us for downsizing. We really don't need a lot of the stuff we've acquired.
How has living a post child life given you more insight into your pre child thoughts?
When I was at a similar point I decided to commit myself to a physical practice. I didn’t know what it would be, but I knew changing my body and my relation to it would somehow unlock things. It’s going to look different for everyone, but for me I started by conquering my fear of swimming (early childhood trauma from drowning). I then started going to a gym, didn’t love it, but took some strength classes and did a lot of cardio on the rowing machine. I then fell into an intense physical yoga practice of 5x week for three years, which was life changing. Then I found myself training Muay Thai. Just find something that works for you and where your body is at. As a music teacher of mine said to me, there’s nothing wrong with being where you’re at, just keep practicing.
In the midst of all that I spent two years in therapy, during which time I wrote in a journal every day (based off of morning pages from the artist’s way). It was super helpful to have an established physical practice while working with a therapist, as a lot of stuff comes up and often times the best thing to do is to move it physically out of your body (check out “The Body Keeps the Score” if you haven’t yet).
But, don’t think too much about the whole path. Just start with a single commitment to something and keep walking.
Also, becoming a father is a big change and you need to be mentally prepared for it and mind went into defence mode (depression).
Something you can try at home
1. Eat more fruits and vegetables. More varied diet helps in Vitamin and nutrition deficiency.
2. Go out on walks.
3. Do not take media to bed. Buy a good reading lamp + physical book or a kindle/remarkable.
4. Put your phone in Grayscale mode.
5. Go to a vacation. Even booking a hotel in same city for a Weekend will give you much needed break.
I can’t give specific advice, but can say that, for me, getting started on some mildly unpleasant task is far more challenging than the reality of completing it. I can spend hours dreading a five minute task. Knowing that rationally and calling myself out on my own bullshit works for me (a lot, but not all, of the time).
Good luck.
First things first, do see a medical professional.
Secondly. I find I have to take quite a holistic approach to my life to keep on an even keel. Regular moderate exercise (whatever you enjoy and are likely to keep up, doesn't have to be much). Regular sleep schedule. Get outside lots, ideally in green spaces. The sun and elements on your face is really important. Clean up the diet too. Don't go crazy here but be sensible with sugar, reduce alcohol intake, reduce caffeine. Up the fruit and veg intake.
I also need a hobby or interest that really engages me. For me it's piano but finding something that recharges you and makes you feel switched on, really helps.
Other things that help me are relaxation exercises, doesn't have to be meditation, but something of that nature. Start to gently train your mind to unwind, bit by bit. Low intensity yoga is also excellent here.
Trying to foster self compassion, and compassion for those around you, can really dampen those low feelings for me too. Try to feel you are enough, you are suffering but doing your best, and we all share this nature. Suffering and compassion can connect you to others too.
Obviously, this is very personal advice. It depends on the specific underlying causes. As someone who has to deal with low energy, mood and some anxiety sometimes, but not acute mental illness, these have been life savers for me.
There can be biological causes for low mood and energy. I'll mention two.
The first is hypothyroidism (low thyroid). This comes on insidiously, with lower and lower levels over a span of years. Your energy gets lower and lower, slowly over time. Thyroid hormone is needed by every cell in your body to produce energy. Can be diagnosed with the TSH blood test (if above 3, suspect hypothyroidism).
The second is low testosterone, which can also be diagnosed with blood tests. It also develops insidiously. Testosterone has a powerful effect on the brain. A hundred years ago, testosterone was used as a therapy for depression (it worked).
Go see a doctor. You can't get out of it by yourself.
My best wishes to you specifically. I am curious if you think a week or few-week vacation would give you time to address some challenges you otherwise can't find time for?
I'm in similar situation, was very physically fit but was injured in gym (tfcc tear) now I'm still recovering lost the urge to even getup from the bed. I feel like I'm slipping in depression, but I'm fighting for it.
So I have decided to get a complete blood test done. Getup early in the morning and start working out.
But I still need to drive enough motivation to spend quality time on the work and get my professional/hobby done. Most of the time I will slip into watching videos on YouTube.
Tried pomodoro technique, but didn't succeed, don't know where I will endup with all this. Hope one day I will reach best of myself.
Ask yourself honestly: What are the trends that characterize the strengths and weaknesses of my family’s lineage? What are the cycles? How do I break them? How do I organize around a new one that will protect my own children from how I feel? What is the objective for humanity, truly? Are we to merely eat, accumulate wealth, frolic and procreate like hares and squirrels? Protest, program and attempt to prolong our inevitable in-existence on earth?
The notion of a "rut", by contrast, imposes a physical structure on the concept (think is a person who is literally stuck in a ditch in the ground) which doesn't lend itself to your thinking of it as "inevitable" for you to ever get out of it.
Here's my advice from my personal struggles, maybe it resonates: You need a North Star, something that helps drive the decisions you make. I found my North Star by realizing that similar to how I had my father's tendencies, my kid would have mine.
I didn't want my impression on my kid to be my depression and lack of enjoyment for my life, which meant getting up, exercising, being compassionate, and doing what I loved.
Waking up every day saying "Let's be a better father for little HakuG" is all I needed. I don't even have a kid yet, but it still drives a large majority of my decisions.
1) understand what is truly meaningful to you
In other words, on your death bed, did you do what you wanted to do?
Once you’ve figured that out, then you can start orienting your life towards those things.
Start with one small atomic change per week.
If you keep that up, imagine how great your life will be. Vs if not, where will you go to?
You have a son, so that motivation is there. Kids will test your patience, and patience defines parenting, just like commitment defines a relationship.
So you need to be at your best.
Changing your life for the better is one of the hardest things you can do, so start small, give yourself time, and celebrate each win.
I think in no time you can be ready to be feeling amazing and ready to be an amazing parent.
This is the core problem in Stolen Focus by Johann Hari, probably a bunch of other books too. It's an unfair fight: you vs the behemoth companies that produce the addictive feeds. Worth a read IMO
Pasting in a previous comment I put on here (I have no affiliation) ---
Purchase + install "cold turkey", you can set time blocks to play, or block months out entirely.
I used to game all the time, I now block games for 2-3 months, have a good weekend blow out and repeat.
I'd like to blame covid and the whole wfh crap which has made a lot of ppl colder than usual (at least that's my impression).
I'm still grateful for my beautiful family and having a job but man is it a struggle.
Give your mind and body chance to have a complete switch from the routine.
And it doesn't need to be a 'holiday' - a staycation can be far more relaxing than tiring, stressful, expensive travel.
Be intentional about not getting dragged into videos/games/services - read a physical book or two, walk, exercise. Go on dates, call family.
Describe what your rut is. Itemize it. Deeply. Then pick one thing. It can be the smallest thing on the list. And fix it for one day. Keep fixing it for a week, then pick the next thing on the list and fix that too. Keep steady for a week, add another.
Improvements in life VERY RARELY happen all at once. Start small.
Edit: And once you see the light, don’t look back. Just keep going. It’s an adventure.
Therapists are trained to help and give you custom things to do based on what you need. I found one that gave me a lot of structured “assignments” and questions to ask myself and I’ve never felt better than I do now.
Have as much quality rest as you can and find the best therapist you can.
Those are obly advices i wish someone gave mme in your situation
If nothing else, this will force you to get out of the rut. It might give you a new one, but it will get you out of the one you're in, now.
Congratulations!
Decide you’re just never doing whatever you are procrastinating about. Let them know you’re not doing it.
Take a vacation. Do nothing.
lifting is great but walking is so easy to get started and be consistent
- take a break, go to vacation for 2 weeks
- get a regular sleep schedule with 8 hours.
- have a healthy diet without sugar (dopamine)
- do some exercise and cleaning instead of videos and games
- try L-theanine (possibly with caffeine). It helped me a ton in similar situations.
The way I looked at it was that I was in a local maximum of wellbeing. Less than I wanted to feel, but feeling "trapped" to do anything about it as any deviation from the comfort zone required me to leave that local maximum for a bit... even if there were higher heights beyond it
Social, romantic, career... all was just "not great but manageable". Good for today, but a sense of dread staying in the same place for years
I started just getting involved in any activity to improve the areas important to myself of for "I always wanted to do this" leisure. I wanted to volenteer teaching kids math... reached out to my network, and I was flexible enough to pivot volenteering for a schoolteacher running for political office. I knew I would feel exhaused doing so. And, the first little while I absolutely was
But, I find lots of truth in the quote "if you want something done, give it to a busy person". With small pockets for rest and relaxation accounted for, you'd be supprised what you can accomplish with your free time
Once I was volenteering, it was almost uncanny how I noticed I started going on many more meaningful dates, good prospective job interviews and strengthening/growing my social circles after a few months. Less time, but way more accomplished than when I was doing nothing. It was almost like I overcame the inertia of staying stagnant
"Oh, I have a date coming up tomorrow but I'm on the campaign trail now? No time to wallow or procrastinate about cleaning my apparment; I only have the time once I get back tonight. I'll do it without thinking"... that's how I noticed my prespective shifted durring that time
Things improved from there. Since my election has been over and I no longer contribute to the party, I've noticed myself slipping back into the inertia of inaction. I'm literally on my computer now researching to join a comedy club and volenteer in education for real this time
If I'd recommend anything from my annacdotal experience, just focus on joining some club for leisure, exercise, professional or "higher purpose" reasons... anything really. Some community. Even if it's just a weekly dog walk with a friend. Perhaps my own personal taste/annacdote, I found things social in nature pushed me further and had more accountability to not let the group down (i.e, a workout class with peers worked much better than a 1on1 personal trainer). The peer support and different prespectives help you get out of your head/thought loops. You will be exhaused the first month or two. However, once you stabilize, I noticed that my proactivity to carve out a more meaningul and plesant life started to snowball
I agree with all the health/hygiene comments here too. I just found that the "top down" approach with activity gave me the motivation to establish the habbit. The "bottom up" methods made those habbits fizzle out after a month
