Ask HN: How do you adapt after early retirement?
I have had three different jobs since the start of COVID-19 due to the ebbs and flows of the tech industry and economy. The transition to working remotely was also difficult for me, and I wanted to return to the office. That sometimes requires moving, and this is challenging when both spouses are working.
Around 18 months ago my spouse and I agreed that we would experiment with her retiring. Her new "job" would be taking a larger proportion of the household chores, and helping me with administrative chores I used to do alone like budgeting, financial planning, house repairs. We don't have children so she has time to pursue her hobbies nearly full time.
In some ways this has been great. She regularly says she feels lucky to have the opportunity to do this. She has more time and mental resources to face her chronic health conditions and making progress that seemed impossible before. And her new "job" is much less stressful than her old job which she hated and it was even a bit traumatic at times.
But at the same time, it's been hard for many reasons.
She finds it difficult to talk with other people. You really don't realize how often people want to talk about work until you don't have a job. Then the discussion turns to "Why? Are you looking? How long are you going to do this?" Her old job wasn't glamorous or exciting, but she never used to feel looked down upon until now. And in some small way, she thought she was contributing to society or the economy, and she isn't anymore. I try to tell her not to care what random people think, and their inability to not have anything interesting to say outside of work shouldn't be her problem.
She's also finding it difficult to have motivation. She is completing fewer chores now than when she was spending most of her time at work. While it is true she is spending more time on her hobbies, it isn't a significant increase compared to before. This causes her to feel guilty and lose even more motivation. I have never once complained about her output, even when on some days it feels like I am spending more time on chores than she is. It wouldn't be fair for your spouse to also be your "boss" and be critical about your work. I understand some people are not as motivated when they don't have the threat of being fired, so I try to gently nudge her toward setting realistic daily goals that would bring her happiness.
Every few months she tells me she is thinking about getting a new job just so it can go back to the way it used to be. I'm fine with this if it would actually make her happier, and we live in a major city now so it should be possible to find something. She used to hate her old job though and doesn't have passion for her field, and she doesn't think she has it in herself to go back to school for a new degree. Besides work, she also hasn't found anything outside of the house that sparks inspiration like volunteering or clubs. She tells me she doesn't think this is fair for me, but I tell her that I love working in tech and would even do it for free if I was in her position, so she wouldn't worry about me. So each time we inevitably decide it makes more sense logically for her to stay retired. But emotionally she has not made progress on committing to that decision. My brain works in numbers and logic so it's difficult for me to help her find a path forward.
Addendum: I see a lot of similarities between us and the author of LivingaFI[1], but I don't think it's exactly the same. In the article, the author's spouse felt like she was "falling behind" by not working. We don't feel that way, we are financially secure and spend as much as we want (sometimes too much). I believe she wants to return to work because of how she believes other people perceive her.
1: https://livingafi.com/2021/03/17/the-2021-early-retirement-update/