adepressedthrow

By all reasonable metrics my life is absolutely fantastic. I'm a dev (which I love, or, well, loved), have worked at a FAANG company, and another at the FAANG level, and now work at essentially my dream job at a growing and successful startup. I'm married and have a large amount of savings. I'm only 3 years out of college, but I have ~10 years of actual dev experience, and supposedly am one of the best performers in the places I've worked.

I absolutely detest my life and find no joy in anything. Video games that would be enjoyable now are just the easiest way to distract myself from feeling terrible, but I don't actually _enjoy_ the time spent. For the most part, I don't do anything outside of work; I largely just sit around. I would occasionally go on bike rides or walks, but I've never been a very outdoorsy person. Life became a very dull cycle of wake, work, wait for work to end, sit around, wait and dread work, etc...

I have sleep issues, and my various medications have not seemed to help. I am (or was) typically a very passionate, motivated person. I was always reading stuff to learn, was very dedicated in school, was always thinking of side projects to work on, etc... I started a medical leave from work a month ago because I couldn't handle starting work each day. Since then, I've felt no motivation to do anything, and an extreme dread at the idea of returning to work. I haven't written code all of that time. I _liked_ writing software, my team was great, but I was always just waiting to stop working each day.

I feasibly could just outright quit my job and be fine for a long time, but I don't know how to rationalize it. It's so hard to look at other people objectively suffering from poor working conditions, low income, and other common problems, and say "well _I_ deserve to relax." I hate to let my job go, but I also hate to force myself to go to work and let down my peers because I'm unreliable. I'm weak and I don't know how not to be.