But when it comes to nagging reminders about what your
spouse still has to do after a long day working for the
man—take out the recycling, walk the dog, write a
thank-you letter, defrost the chicken, fix the
stereo—keep a lid on it. Economists talk about
“information processing costs,” or the costs incurred
from processing, absorbing and filtering information.
When information processing costs get too high, we
tend to become paralyzed.Make an effort with your relationship.
Like everything good in life it takes work to have a good relationship. If you make an effort to have a good relationship, applying thought and energy day to day, you will grow a healthy satisfying relationship.
In my experience, people who nag believe themselves to be "making an effort". Indeed, they think they're doing the right thing.
Willingness to put in the effort is a good first start, but it's not enough. Many people clearly don't understand why certain things do or don't work. And there's as much to be learned from study and experience in the right way to work at a relationship as there is in anything else.
If you've not gone to the point of setting up areas of responsibility and some means of ensuring things get done, your choices are either do it yourself or nag about it. I think the tendency is often towards the latter, when it should be the former.
For men, typically making a visible effort will cause your spouse to perceive you as weak and low value. This will only make things worse.
You can be thoughtful and accommodating without being a doormat which is what you appear to be alluding to.
Breaking this down to an evolutionary biology standpoint, what advantage would that sort of psychology provide the woman? It has the opposite effect on the intended outcomes, that of security and stability from which to raise offspring.
The whole treat em mean, keep them keen mentality might work in the short term and get you laid but a happy productive relationship it will not build. Eventually the woman is going to go elsewhere to obtain the security and stability a healthy relationship provides.
Reading a book won't reverse decades of cultural conditioning.
I recommend getting a Brazilian or Colombian wife instead.
Stop and think about your relationship.
Put your effort into things that are worthwhile. I've caught myself many times putting my energy into the aspects of our relationship that don't matter, while missing big big things because I thought I had the whole thing covered.
ETA: With the growing number of men who refuse to pick up every check, plan every date/event, act as sole provider for the family, purchase gifts regularly for their other half, etc. for fear of marrying a woman who is too focused on money... I'm really beginning to wonder what women are getting out of this marriage deal anymore.
Sure, if what you want from a relationship is things, stuff, and to not have to work, more power to you... But I have no respect for you.
That is, if I have to sit quietly, look pretty, and clean house, what am I getting in return? Not much these days.
Because I sure would if my spouse kept buying me things just so I'd put out.
My point, anyway, is that the men in the WSJ article cheering this drivel on are often the same guys who don't want to assume the traditional provider role for men. They don't want a wife, they want a maid that "puts out".
That said, you have a point. Outside of child-bearing (and even there...) marriage seems less and less useful. I don't see this as a bad thing, but YMMV.
I'd never equated being overweight as behaving irresponsibly. If everyone thought this way, would we all be thinner? If my spouse can't nag me to lose weight (see #1), is there anything she could do to encourage it, or is it all on me?
One thing that can be very helpful is to schedule exercise with other people (e.g. spouse). It's easier to get going with a group, it's more fun, and there is a social cost to canceling. You don't even have to do the same exercises -- just go to the gym or pool or park or whatever and do your thing.
i.e. don't nag against bad activities, but support and encourage wholesome ones in their place.
What this implies is that overeating/under-exercising should be taboo just like smoking cigarettes. These things aren't considered taboo by some people, but maybe that's the reason people aren't healthier.
I would suggest that you and your wife do some research into obesity/nutrition and form a meal plan together. It is much easier to eat the right foods when you're doing it together. It's also fun to cook together. At least, that's working for me and my partner.
I suggest Gary Taube's or Mark Sisson's books for research.
A blog post I wrote illustrating one of his deceptions: http://crazybear.posterous.com/how-1-graph-reveals-what-3000...
If there is dominance by either partner, the relationship will have difficulty staying healthy in the long run.
As you say, family first. Both should view the other as having more importance than themselves. Not just one or neither.
I think you mean, if there is dominance by both partners (i.e. one partner asserts dominance and the other resents them for it, or both partners vie for dominance), the relationship will have difficulty staying healthy in the long run. Well-defined D/s relationships, on the other hand, can be quite healthy.
Marriage Satisfaction = Fighting (or Total Conflict) - Unresolved Conflict
Conflict among other things brings you closer together. A couple who "fight" well will stay together.
marital happiness = rate of lovemaking - rate of arguments
Source: http://books.google.com/books?id=_0H8gwj4a1MC&pg=PA393&#...
They even optimized which kid helps them, I worked better with my mom (I was all about getting a list of chores and powering through them when I had time, and so is she), so I ended up working with her for the weekly chores. Shutting up and getting stuff done really does make one happy.
Sometimes the breakdown does look disturbingly similar to the old traditional gender roles, but sometimes it really doesn't - I do the mending, for example, and she takes the car in for service. I'm sure we are both influenced by the traditional sexism of the societies we grew up in, but whatever the reasons for our choices, each of us pretty much gets to do what we think of as the easy or inconsequential chores while our partner tackles the nasty, time-consuming, or obnoxious ones.
That seems somewhat inevitable. A lot of those gender roles are there precisely for comparative advantage and "do the thing that annoys you less" reasons. It just happens that statistically fewer men are annoyed by trash (e.g. they never get pregnant, so don't have months-long periods when they just can't deal with it at all), women are better at taking care of infants (e.g. can often feed them more easiy), and so forth. On average, etc. ;)
While 100/100 expands to 100/100:100/100 , or 1:1 of course.
You might say the ratios are equivalent, but of course, you have ignored the units (if a relationship can have units).
The problem in all this venting is that the advice is given to both sexes - it just discusses using comparative advantage to split up tasks, don't nag each other and slip between the sheets as much as possible. If you realise that the advice could equally apply to a gay couple you can see there actually isn't any gender bias in the article at all.
This sounds a lot like the advice to women from the Tom Leykis show: "Stay slim, Long hair, sex anytime, shut up!"
I've been married for last 8 years and also have a kid. I feel, the best of marriage is lived when you share everything - talk out every feeling - help each other achieve the small dreams - LIVE together! Every relationship, even a mother-child/friends/brother-sister - they all have conflicts - and most of it because of expectations. Without 'expectations' there cannot exist a relation. The key is to achieve the balance - try to give enough space/freedom to each other so that both gets to do the things they enjoy the most - try to find your happiness in the same, if you can, or at least support it in some way.
For household responsibilities, it should be equally and mutually shared. But 'don't talk so much' is definitely not the approach to avoid conflicts. We are not machines; the whole point of 'living' is to 'share'; and Humans Do Need to Share. What else do you need to marry for? Better stay bachelor, if you don't think you can shoulder the responsibility to 'share' and handle 'expectations'.
lmao on the (with each other) emphasis :)
http://www.nytimes.com/2006/06/25/fashion/25love.html?_r=1&#...
Edit: Working link, courtesy mhb http://blogs.wsj.com/ideas-market/2011/02/14/the-secret-to-a...
Things work very differently in the rest of the world.