Ask HN: How to find your own people and being around normal people

I've waited to post a response on this because my knee-jerk reaction was "Of course I share your dilemma! I think that a majority of geeky developer-types share this same trait." I figured you'd get a lot of feedback.

But given the paucity of responses, now I am wondering if perhaps you and I are more rare than I thought.

I have ALWAYS felt the way you describe. I also share the same traits... I am reasonably normal/good looking, feel that I can speak somewhat intelligently, am passionate and knowledgeable about my craft. But if you put me in a social setting like a dinner party I am a reclusive wreck. I feel that I am an island in a sea of chatter. Although I find much of the discussion around me banal and pointless, at the same time I covet the ease with which everyone else 'seems' to be able to converse with complete strangers. And if I do try to strike up a conversation, I feel like a fool when I can't seem to keep pointless chatter going (like weather, sports, politics, whatever). However, once I know someone really well I can talk with them all day with relative ease.

Although self-diagnosed, I've always assumed this was what it meant to be an "introvert". Lately I've heard a new term which seems to fit my own personality much better: ambivert.

So here are some suggestions I've found helpful.

- Join a local geeky group that appeals to your interests (e.g. Programming, Astronomy, Brown Coats, Creative Writing, WHATEVER!) If you can't find a geeky group, create one!

- Develop a list of questions (and followups) to ask someone when you first meet them. If you can get someone else talking (and you truly listen to what they're saying) you will find it easier to create that initial conversation. Examples; What do you do in life? How did you get started on that path? How do you know the host? Are you working on on something you're passionate about? Tell me about it! What do you do for fun in [your city]? Read any great books lately that you'd recommend to someone you barely know? What was the worst job you've ever had?

If you create a good list of initial questions (and you LISTEN to what the other person is saying] you will be able to create conversations from thin air. And you'll likely make new friends!

You might also look up "Toastmasters". If there's a Toastmasters club near you that might be a very enlightening experience (www.toastmasters.org)

You should find a coding meetup in your town or start a new one. I recently started one here in Salt Lake City, and we've been having a lot of success.