1. "No-SQL land" - Most of those things are NoSQL databases?
2. ""Traditional" Schema'd SQL" - Amazon RDS isn't a database, and those are relational databases.
3. DynamoDB has effectively the same data model as Cassandra.
4. "Hadoop" isn't a database. Cloudera is a database vendor. EMR (what you call Amazon MR?) is Hadoop as a Service.
5. I don't even know what to say about the "batship crazy" thing.
Every data store has a model. Typically we classify them based on their model.