I've done it a couple times now, having no real affinity with national identity, but I sure do love the cooking and language I've managed to collect. And finally, real experience with the people of the world, not just My Own Team™ ..
In my case I knew that I needed a change and had to force myself out of the mold I had grown into. Moving halfway across the country to a place I had never been, not knowing anyone there was just the kick in the ass I needed.
Having done this 4 times now, I can't tell you how true this is (as is the rest of fit2rule's post).
To anyone thinking about it, find a way to do it and take the plunge. There's no way in hell you'll regret it.
In my experience I can go for about a year without a solid social circle, but after that I start to go nuts.
No, going somewhere on holiday for a few weeks/months is not the same. You have to live and make a living there.
Very 'western' I know, but nevertheless, lots of culture got stripped away, new layers added, and underneath it all I found myself. Soon as my kids get a bit older, we'll probably move to Peru.
Word of advice to anyone who might be anxious going out alone: don't bring your phone. If you're just going to distract yourself with it because you feel less awkward, you might as well stay home, because you're depriving yourself of the opportunity to notice what's going on. If you just go and actually pay attention, there will be opportunities to participate.
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I want to amend this because I feel like it might come across as a little hostile, but that's not the intention. A few points on the reasoning:
* A party will have a host, and it's his job to integrate you. You shouldn't really have to work that hard. Find the host and he'll try to get you involved.
* There are guests that will do the same. If I'm out with a group, I'll happily involve a newcomer.
* Both of these fall apart if you walk in and immediately look disinterested. I'm not going to approach a person on his phone. In my head, he's either temporarily busy or doesn't want to be there, and I'm not going to risk being an ass and interrupting on the off chance that you're just shy. (I've got better ways of looking like an ass.)
If you can't resist the temptation to delve into your phone, you're not genuinely putting yourself out there.
> Preface: As a white, heterosexual, cis, male, I’m granted, from birth, an extraordinary amount of privilege
I wasn't actually aware people outside of the Tumblrverse said things like that. (Over on Reddit there is /r/TumblrInAction for things like this)
> Preface: As a white, heterosexual, cis, male, I’m granted, from birth, an extraordinary amount of privilege
This is crazy, intellectually debilitating blabber. And just wrong on a blog[1].
We already allowed lawyers and CYA politicians to slap warning labels on everything (despite the fact that it's counter-productive[2]). Are we now going to put disclaimers on private blogs?
Or is it like a weird way to brag? "I'm not affected by any common affliction." (You forgot "able-bodied" BTW which is much more important that those other things.) Better yet, "I, being of sound mind and body do hereby publish this blogpost."
[1] http://www.overcomingbias.com/2008/06/against-disclai.html
Would you care to elaborate on what's crazy and intellectually debilitating about the sentence you quoted? I know people that would agree completely with that sentence, so I'd be curious to hear your perspective and why you feel it's wrong.
Of course, since you skipped the "please remember the position I come from and critically engage with how that effects the thoughts I have," I shouldn't have expected you to.
That looked like a fun skill to have, so I tried doing it on my own - introducing myself to other attendees, asking about their work and projects, etc. And I ran into a bunch of awkward situations where the person responded as if I were flirting with them (inevitably most of the people I talked to were men, since most of the people at those conferences were men). No, I actually just wanted to learn more about your company's business model.
I was copying my male friend's style of talking to other men, and I was interpreted differently. I've adjusted my approach now to reduce the chances of misunderstandings like that.
It's fairly unlikely in a civilised surrounding, but civilisation is rarer than you think.
As a straight white male, your potential downside from getting into a chat with someone at a party does not include serious bodily harm. Most people are nice to you by default.
Another example: an outgoing, alone woman might be perceived as easy or sleazy by some Neanderthal-like person she talks to, and could end up with a lot of unwanted attention from saying hi to the wrong people. Again, unlikely, depends on the surroundings/crowd, but still.
As a white straight guy, going to a totally random party alone is a much safer proposition.
As a white, cis, straight male (with a good job, I might add) there are few venues you aren't automatically welcome at and compatible with.
Flip any of those variables and "just get out there" is less applicable or harder. It's not like being a white male is a cheat code at life, but you spawn with a fuller inventory and a couple rings of +2 less bulshit.
Reality is it applies to everyone and its just a "woe is me" strategy. I "can't" socialize because I'm not pasty white, well there's a load off my back I don't have to be responsible for anymore.
Of course there are people in situations for which the advice in this article is a non-starter. But does that preface actually specifically address them, or is it just a cargo-cult disclaimer to keep the responses from being derailed by feel-good plighties? And how should one feel if they are so "privileged" yet still cannot bring themselves to follow this advice?
1. Being racist is bad 2. All white people are racist (by virtue of being born into a racist culture)
Ergo... all white people are bad. And I've seen several facebook posts by people of color that say things like "I'M DONE WITH WHITE PEOPLE." And I'm even somewhat sympathetic to that: All the evidence I've seen indicates I get treated better for being a tolerably handsome white dude. That must be kind of infuriating.
But at the end of the day, it's this culture that is often hostile to white dudes on principal, and just... okay? I guess I won't talk to you at parties if you don't want me to?
Since fewer people are religious and more people are cynically postmodern, different ideologies and beliefs (e.g. 'antiracism', 'social justice', 'Objectivism') creep in to fill the void which was formerly occupied by religion.
Assigning 'privilege' to race and gender seems fairly lazy to me, considering there are so many ways that it may not actually be a privilege to everybody. You know what is always, without fail, a privilege? Coming from money. When I was growing up, the term 'privileged' could be used without argument that way.
Not all racial or gender divisions are obvious; exclusion or denial of privilege is harder to spot.
I have to pay $20,000 for my schooling. My first nations friends pay nothing, it's covered by tax payers. This includes numerous other benefits that I do not get. In Canada, unfortunately it can often seem like the minority have more privileges. That's not equality, to me.
This smacks of tremendous ignorance of the history of First Nations people and what white Canadians have done to them. It's possibly the most concrete demonstration of white privilege I've ever seen.
"Well gee, I'm just a simple guy, but I don't think trying to balance out the horrible things that people of my race did to people of another race well into the 1900s that irreversibly affected their communities ability to survive is all that fair if I don't get those things too!"
It's all well and good to want a level playing field, but when you've spend the last century digging everyone else into gigantic holes, it kind of rings a little hollow.
The thing to understand about racism is that it's a societal thing, not an individual thing. Discrimination against an individual can be racist, but only if it contributes to the racism of a society. (I know, the academic usage of "racism" is unfortunately a little different than the colloquial usage)
In your individual case, you might not be as privileged as the students around you, but your race certainly is. I don't know much about Canada, but Native Americans have quantifiably rough lives. On average they make less, are more likely to become alcoholics, and are less likely to make it through college.
It's not about what your ancestors did. People bring that up a lot but you shouldn't be held accountable for the actions of people you never met just because you're related to them. In fact, you aren't held accountable. But you still have to deal with the society we live in as a result of the actions your ancestors took. That society is deeply inequal, and by providing things like scholarships we're accelerating progress in equality that traditionally takes decades to come about.
But the reality is that to get to this point, many immigrant families and first nations families face enormous difficulty to meet their basic needs. To get to this country is one thing, to get here without anything is another. To have everything taken away and having to build it up without a strong support network is difficult. Equality isn't just about the money, it's about the community around you that helps create an environment that allows you to grow and succeed. By just pointing at the price tag, you're oversimplifying so many social factors and issues that play into how you get into university, get out, and start your career path in which, for families coming from difficult situations can simply be solved by some money.
Oh, and in case you were wondering, I am a visible minority myself. I didn't suffer and neither did my parents because the heavy burden was taken care-of by my great-grandparents and grandparents notwithstanding blatant racism by society and even government laws. I'm several generations removed from understanding the economic difficulties, but I'm still very much rooted in the cultural and social ones.
Socioeconomic status is the only real differentiator, and these factions only serve to divide the people whose interests are in reality, quite aligned. Unsurprisingly, this tends to greatly assist those at the top of the socioeconomic ladder in maintaining political deadlock on issues which greatly assist the majority at the expense of the tiny minority. Issues such as the social safety net, healthcare, education, infrastructure, and democratic process.
A cursory review of history shows that this is not a novel strategy.
How do these make you feel?
Also how about someone went up to an old man and said, "You are an old man in your sixties, and I'm a college kid in my twenties. You will die much earlier than me. That's pretty much close to fact. Do you disagree?"
I understand there are bonus points for this in America. But it also means that rest of the article is very likely going to be a political rant
I'm all of these things except heterosexual. As as adult, I'm also not readily identifiable as homosexual. But as a kid my perceived lack of masculinity (among many other things) definitely made me a target.
I can confirm that being alone now, by my choice, is much more pleasant and gratifying than being alone, by the choice of others.
He's on to something.
As much as we all do want racism etc to go away, prejudices are a very real thing. The preface is relevant to his story.
There are even people in technology who are not white, het, cis males.
This works especially well in a situation like a networking event or large party where it is unlikely that attendees will know everyone else.
1) Instant connection - we both know {party_host}
2) You learn a detail about them (occupation, hobby, hometown)
3) They learn a detail about you
4) You've told someone why you're there, so then you won't feel like everyone's questioning your presence
5) You've got a starting point for talking to more people (introduce this person to someone else you know, and/or they'll do likewise)
This scares the shit out of the socially awkward or those the article is referring to. When entering a situation where I know almost no one, I always try to comfort myself by repeating things like "not everyone is looking at you" and "you are just like everyone else here".
However often times I take your advice and seek out other seemingly alone people and you're right, they're usually easy to spot .. if you're looking.
Do you have any old college buddies who live in SF? Email them and ask to meet up for a beer. If you are interested in dating, go on okcupid. If you like playing sports, join an intramural sports team. If you like bar trivia, just go to your local trivia night and find a team of random people to join. All of these things take time and effort, but they will result in a larger, more diverse, group of friends.
The truth is this is probably negative value for ones startup. Giving 100% of your effort to a startup will probably make it more successful than giving it 80%. But you only get one life, and perhaps more friends and a less successful startup might make somebody happier.
Regardless, the point still stands: finding balance is important.
Really, although I didn't explicitly say it when I wrote this, this piece was a lot about finding that balance. For the first time in awhile, I broke away from the people I spend 99% of my time with. I started out alone and lonely, but by the end it wasn't so bad anymore. I wasn't constrained by the settings/people/activities that I've become so used to. I went to the Watsi party, I did a scavenger hunt with strangers, and I made a bunch of new friends. It was refreshing.
- Much greater awareness of other people and surroundings.
- Great opportunity to take stock of what is good/bad in your life (for some reason it's easier to do this outside the house).
- Bursts of creativity (hint: this is a great way to fight writer's block).
These are just the ones I can think of at the moment. One piece of advice for anyone who feels self conscious when alone: since everyone else is amongst friends, they probably won't even notice you. We naturally assume our increased awareness (due to being alone!) is shared by everyone around us - that's not the case though.
I'm typically very busy during the day, so nightlife is my primary means of social activity. When I show up to parties, it's usually alone, and that's something I've had to adjust to. I go to bars, often alone, and I turn my phone off and strike up conversations. At first, it's incredibly difficult, but over time it becomes more fun. Over the summer, this culminated in my attending multiple music festivals where I spent a majority of the day having a blast in a group of complete strangers, most of whom I will likely never see again. But that's now a shared experience that I never would have just watching Netflix.
One of the most interesting things I've noticed, though, is the reaction others have when I tell them I go to parties or bars by myself (or even to dinner or to movies alone). They're taken aback, and they almost try to marginalize you as some sort of loner. I have plenty of very close friends, and I do my best to spend time with them, but embracing being alone has almost made me less alone in many cases.
I've actually had the opposite experience. Sometimes I'll go to bars by myself just to hit on girls. When your friends aren't around to watch, it reduces the downside and fear of rejection.
Usually, if it's going well, I'll tell her I'm there by myself, and they tend to be impressed I had the confidence to go out by myself and approach them.
Absolutely. People follow your lead.
If your manner suggests that you're ashamed of what you're doing, or that you think you're doing something 'wrong' or 'awkward', they will believe that.
If your manner suggests that you're engaged in the most normal activity in the world - being friendly as a human being, going out and interacting with other human beings - then you will put others at ease and they will be comfortable and friendly around you.
Now, that's not to say that everyone will think it's normal. But that's OK - people who find your behavior objectionable or 'strange' are probably not a very good fit as a friend or a lover.
As much as I enjoy the company of my friends, having complete freedom and no accountability to anybody also has its advantages :)
That being said, cities like SF/Boston/New York/... make it easy to keep "alone" from turning into "lonely". I couldn't imagine doing the same in the far out suburbs.
I'd love to get back though, NE is my favorite among many places lived on the East coast.
Well, I don't know the US suburbs, but as a rule, the smaller the place, the easier it is to know people.
The huge hang up is getting confused about geography. In a big city, nearly every street corner has a bar, restaurant, "something". So you get a hangup that what makes a city friendly somehow has something to do with street intersections or panhandlers or something, not the bar/museum/whatever found at those intersections. Then you visit a suburb and decide to socialize so you've learned that means finding a street intersection, so you stand at a random corner in your subdivision and ... nothing happens. That's because you need to go to a bar or park or cultural activity, not the mere street intersection.
Its confusing correlation with causation. I had fun; there's a homeless dude living in the alley; therefore you can't have fun without a homeless dude in the alley. Um no not really.
As for the "doing things alone" I've noticed that people don't like doing that. Traveling, going to see a movie, or attending an event all seem to be things that have a stigma attached to doing them solo.
Example #5 Going to a park, especially an "improved" park with kids playground and you're a dude.
Example #6 Wilderness hiking (although this is really a safety issue, and as a lifelong hiker I assure you your local hiking club is a fantastic way to meet people)
It's like Eleanor Roosevelt said (more or less: http://quoteinvestigator.com/2011/03/30/not-inferior/): "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
Not doing something you want to do because "they'll all laugh at me" is you giving your consent to being made to feel inferior. Their opinion only matters because you make it matter, by caring about it enough to let it stop you from doing something you want to do.
You may feel like their opinion puts shackles around your ankles, but really the shackles only exist in your mind. Stop believing in them and they disappear.
I remember my conversation with the hostess going something like this:
Hostess: "So...just one today?"
Me: "Yep."
Hostess: "Oh.. Do you want me to bring you a magazine or something?"
This is very true, and why I find myself most comfortable around people I don't know, especially if there is no expectation that I'm going to ever talk to them again. It's very freeing to be able to be your absolute self with no baggage or expectations.
Whenever I'm around friends I've had since high school I find myself acting very different than I normally do, in order to maintain that identity framework I've built for them. It takes a little while to slide into that identity but once I do I'm fairly comfortable.
I really struggle around casual acquaintances. I just don't know what to say to these people. We already know each other well enough, but without a desire to become close friends with them you're stuck simply refreshing each other on what you've been up to.
Like Jesse said, acting Y around someone whose used to you acting X can cause reason for concern and alarm. When you're alone you don't have those checks/balances and can really evaluate who you are without the boundaries that persist in your normal social circle. "Aloneness" can be uncomfortable and confusing, but rewarding if you manage to wade through it all.
On the flipside I regretfully now tend to cause awkward situations by being too casual with people I've just met. Whoops?
We are all social creatures. The inability to be social is most definitely a problem, and leading a lifestyle that deprives you of a stimulating, diverse group of friends is damaging and unsustainable.
I'm happy this guy ventured out into an unfamiliar social situation. People are often afraid of doing stuff like this because they think it will be uncomfortable. And, indeed, sometimes it is. However, that doesn't mean you need to become anti-social.
Again, nice work for getting out there.
> For the life of me I fail to comprehend [...]
You just failed to spot the market opportunity, the problem that people have that needs to be solved.
Isn't "aloneness" what English-speaking people usually call solitude?
You're not alone. You're privileged. You probably don't even know what real loneliness is. You're just a hipster who thinks they're alone, so you can write a blog post about it and get views. I doubt there are any actual lonely people in San Francisco or Oakland who work at a start up. After all, isn't that why you moved there despite how expensive it is? It's a glorious hub of youth and social activity, that's why you moved there. Don't bullshit with real loneliness.
Did you even read the article? He addresses your first point in the beginning, and your second point at the end of the article. No bullshitting here.
