Now, I didn't do anything stupid like telling my boss that I'd like to sleep with his daughter, but, when he asked me where I saw myself in 5 years I did say that I wanted to start my own business.
Our relationship went from great to icy.
Over the next seven months my work life became a living hell. I went from "valued team contributor" to "does not function as part of the unit." My dedication was called into question and eventually I was told that the company had changed and that I was no longer useful.
I wasn't fired, but, I was left alone in my office, no new tasks were assigned, my medical condition was not accommodated, etc.
I eventually left my position, lost my gf because of it, ruined my credit after I couldn't find a new job, and have been unable to get loans to return to school (after leaving to help out my former employer.)
I often wonder what my life would be like if I had just said: "In five years I see myself working for you with only a slight raise!"
Don't try this at home.
I don't know anything about you but let's have a little thought experiment here:
Sure it has seemingly destroyed your life in the short term, but I would argue that having a less kitschy life might be good for you.
Let's take your situation claim by claim. By being open and honest with your boss, you indirectly put an end to your career. But had you lied and remained there, would you have always been happy? Surely your dreams were to start your own business.
Now your gf. Again, I don't know anything about your relationship. But if your gf left due to financial reasons, wasn't it better to learn that lesson sooner rather than later?
Your credit. With the same disclaimers as above, perhaps having your credit destroyed was a forceful way of telling you to refocus your priorities in life. no?
You can always wonder what your life might have been like if you made a different decision. I do that all the time. But I'd like to think that honesty opens doors, not closes them. You might disagree with everything I just wrote, but I would like to see your response a year (or 5) from now how your life has changed.
By being radically honest with your boss, you executed a career change poorly. Nothing else needs to be said. We could speculate that had he executed his career aspirations better, he would've ended up founding his own businessa, on his own terms, with his former boss on board as a character reference or angel investor.
Likewise, the girlfriend might not have left for a financial reason: It might have been a combination of money and his medical condition going un-addressed.
Having your credit destroyed makes it harder, not easier to start your own business. "Focusing on your priorities" doesn't mean shit. Realistically $10k in debt, or poor credit, sets you back 7 years compared to most of your peers. "Get used to living on less -- like always within your meager means" might be a better mantra.
Also, he might've also been a dreamer with no intention of working for himself. In my approximation, that's 80% of the people here on HN. To them, the grass is greener, but they won't ever dare try climbing the fence.
Do you truly feel that your life is ruined? It sounds like you are/were in a bad situation, but do you not see yourself bouncing back eventually?
(some brutal honesty here, if you'll permit me) You need to take responsibility for your life. You got dealt a shitty hand, but what is past is past. You have skills and aspirations and you are the only person that can apply the skills toward the aspirations.
Where I'm living, which is far from ideal if you're into tech, there's maybe six companies capable of paying me what I'm worth on the local job market. They all know they're the biggest and the best in the area. Two have really dickish HR that make me doubt they're actually a good company worth working for. One I personally know treats its employees like garbage.
So there's three real companies you can work for in my area. Of those, I work at one. I am waiting to hear back from the other two. From one, I know it will likely not be good.
So where does this really leave me? Careerwise, I'm trapped. I need to re-locate if I want to find something better. Or find a telecommuting gig. Or start my own company, etc.
Radical Honesty, especially from strangers, just ends up being the "hypothetical 20/20 hindsight voice" and a bunch of personal responsibility b.s. I bet its also his fault he had a medical condition that affects his health?
On the other hand, if you took that time to focus on what you wanted - start your own business - you could be living your dream right now.
It's never too late. Life isn't our circumstances. It's what we do with our circumstances.
I applaud you for being honest with your boss. He handled it like a simpleton. A true leader would either inspire you to stay or inspire you to give your all while you're there.
Given where you are now, be honest with yourself, dust yourself off, and go start that business!
I lie to the IRS. I always take more deductions than are justified.
He must be nuts to state this publicly.
"my medical condition was not accommodated" That would have seem to have been grounds for some legal action in my opinion or a least a good reason for getting unemployment benefits after you left.
"Now, I didn't do anything stupid like telling my boss that I'd like to sleep with his daughter,..."
Yeah, you could have ended up married to her...
My dad actually told me a few days ago something he had learned from a friend, that anything that you say to another person with absolute sincerity and respect is, in fact, a gift to the other person. And I'm starting to believe him.
I would be very interested to hear what got you started with radical honesty, or was it just in that moment with your boss that you were excessively candid?
The tough situation in life is only being able to be sincere when expressing disrespect, because the other guy deserves disrespect. What do you think about this? (I'll treat your honest answer as a respectful answer, whatever you say.)
One moment of insipid 'bravery' is not 'radical honesty'.
But I am interested: was your problem a fundamental one, or were you perhaps not adequately prepared to try this? How much "training" did you do on the concept before trying it? Did you read his books? Go to his workshops?
I have done tremendous "work" (i.e. therapy, workshops, "New Thought" classes) and when I see this, I am intrigued, but my response was to send notes to my friends and to order some books on it. I'll discuss it with my "New Thought" class tonight. I'll discuss it with my wife before telling her about all the magnificent and desirable... etc. But I mean its like all the time, you know?
It didn't go down well, and although I explained that I meant "in a position of responsibility such as that of network manager" rather than replacing him in his actual job, we never did get on. Although I got the job, I was forced to quit just over 3 months later because I couldn't stand the tension.
It turned out that he was an asshole to everyone, but I have a feeling I marked my cards somewhat.
Bottom line: If you feel you're ready for the next level, find a place that wants you there and will take you in. Don't ever let your boss know you're not 100% in love with the shit sandwiches you're being fed.
Sometimes it's best to not saying anything when you don't have a good answer, or the answer is inappropriate.
The article does warn: '"I advocate never lying in personal relationships. But if you have Anne Frank in your attic and a Nazi knocks on the door, lie....I lie to any government official."
Some bosses or people should be treated like govt officials.
The real value, I think, in honesty, is that it brings one's thoughts out in the open to work with, instead of sapping one's energy and directing it towards the construction of some facade.
Frankly, I don't see the point. Most people are pretty honest already, if you understand the language they speak. White lies are designed to be transparent; people who expect them to deceive don't get it, and people who are deceived by white lies deceive themselves. "You're not fat" can mean so many things depending on how you say it:
1. You're not fat.
2. You're worried about being fat? Really?
3. Why are you asking that when we're all twenty pounds heavier than you? What kind of bitch are you? Fish for your compliments somewhere else.
4. You're fat, but I don't want to hear about your problems.
5. A better question is, are you hot? And the answer is yes.
Et cetera. There's no point in being dissatisfied with the channel and the protocol because you can actually communicate whatever you want on it. I'd rather just get better at speaking and understanding the language that everybody else speaks. The only problem is that sometimes honesty is unexpected, and the protocol is not optimized for unexpected honesty. If you want to say something completely honest, you might have to spend some time setting it up to avoid it being interpereted as "Fuck you."
One step removed from that is to just admit what you're thinking to yourself. You can leave a facade up for other people if necessary, but at least stop trying to fool yourself.
Of course, I could be wrong, and am merely trying to make a point without standing behind it, so that I can avoid the humiliation of being called out on it.
'She lies when it suits her. "Who broke the kitchen sink?" one of the staff asks her. Koko indicates another staff member, whirls about and starts to laugh.'
http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m1252/is_12_131/ai_n85...
Even Alex the Parrot seemed to intentionally give wrong answers to questions when he was bored with a task.
I've seen some dogs do some pretty clever things, and I think they have more brains than most people give them credit for, but I don't think they intentionally deceive.
I can dream, right?
So what happens when somebody with average or sub-average charisma tries it?
The real trick is to be more charismatic. Charisma can be learned. Your image can be polished. Its a question of time, drive, and priorities. Every "I've fucked 500 women, be more like me" guy on the planet states that their skills are teachable.
So learn the skills. The smarmy, stuck-up, get-away-with-the-most-inconsiderate-things part is just something that you learn you can get away with AFTER you've learned to be charismatic.
I am dedicated to _always_ play a role. Just like I wouldn't go and jump from a bridge to defy gravity I wouldn't say "God doesn't exist" to my mother, who is a fundamental Christian. I am not particularly scared of consequences of saying "fuck you, pig" to a policeman but I'm also not scared of banging my head against the wall. Yet, I don't see any particular reason why I should bang my head against the wall.
I like PG's essay "Things you can't say" since it describes me so perfectly. Inside my mind anything is allowed, even the most perverse and horrible fantasies -- ANYTHING. Yet, not much of this goes outside :)
hmm... if you're in Silicon Valley, it's assumed that everyone wants to start his/her own business.
