By any objective standards my life isn't bad. I lost my job but I'm still financially secure for a while. But it isn't good, either. Picking avocados in Australia wouldn't be any better. I'm not even going to touch on smoking and drinking to forget the pain of the meaninglessness of existence, because I know what happens to people who do. You don't want to touch psychedelics while in a bad mental state either.
I am not young, that's the problem. When I was 15 I was young. When I was 20 I was young. When I was 25 one could argue I was young. 30 is not young any more. It's not old yet, that starts at about 45, but young is over.
When I was 20 I did make some cool software that a lot of people across the internet liked. Then I had to work harder for university and didn't have enough free time to continue it and I've never done that again since, even when I had free time again.
Possibly the worst thing is the thought that nothing matters, except maybe having children, which just kicks the can along the road and won't happen for me anyway, and shouldn't. I think it's relevant because everyone who has children finds the purpose of their life is to support their children. People who don't have a much harder time with that.
It's an emotional state. Perfectly rationally, we should all just do nothing because nothing matters in the end. But somehow we grow up with the illusion that things matter, and I want that back!
