You have to accept that 5-15% of the people who would show up to something like this are genuine weirdos you probably don't want to be around. And another 10% at any given meetup are autistic or neuro-divergent but well-meaning, kind and full of interesting insights and hobbies, although perhaps difficult to socialize with, at least until they get to know you're well-meaning too.
These challenges come with the territory. You end up talking to people you'd otherwise never meet in the normal course of your life, and it's neutral at worst and wonderful at best.
> Even when considering just three dimensions, fewer than 5% of pilots were “average” in all. [1]
I would guess many/most people probably think they fall into either (1) the normal bucket or (変) the weird/fringe bucket. Either "I am pretty normal" or "I am an outsider". How many think "We're all fairly different once you cluster in any 3 interesting dimensions!"?
But people feel that dichotomy, which makes me think it is largely about perception relative to a dominant culture: the in-group versus out-group feeling. For example, atheists might feel like outsiders in many parts of the U.S., but less so in big cities and in other countries. In dense urban walkable cities (like NYC), people see diversity more directly and more often. Seeing a bunch of people is different than seeing a bunch of cars.
[1]: From "Curse of Dimensionality: Lessons from the U.S. Air Force Cockpit Design" by Maciej Nasinski (2025): https://polkas.github.io/posts/cursedim/
Heh this has a total “nobody goes there anymore, it’s too crowded” vibe.
But having gone to a bunch of programming meetups, the majority of people are perfectly pleasant and good to socialise with. The weirdos are usually non tech people who have an app or crypto idea they want help with. Or just total crazy people who just showed up to the first event they could find regardless of topic.
I'd love to organize something like this in my local community but somehow am not sure where or how to start really.
First, you have to do whatever it takes to make you able to just do things alone, frequently, and then go ahead and do things alone, frequently. Picnics, cafe co-working, reading in a lounge/cafe/bar, walks, bike rides, hikes, photo walks, star gazing, whatever. Literally anything.
You'll probably meet people while doing this. Get their contact info. Eventually, mention "oh hey I play basketball a couple times a month, want me to text you next time I'm planning?" Repeat, you have a crew or five. A couple group chats.
Then start planning bigger events. Book 8 person tables at a restaurant, then drop a note in your chat like this:
``` Reservation for 8 at UR Meat on Tuesday April whatever, 7pm, the new kbbq place near zhongxiao fuxing station.
1. komali2
2.
3.
4...
```
People will copy/paste adding their name so you can see how many seats are filled. I've tried 10 other booking platforms, apps, whatever, nothing beats the group text thing. The group chat is where shit happens.
For more casual events like picnics, just drop a maps link and a time, remind people a couple days before, day before, and day of send a pic with where you are in the park or whatever (the "final push" for people are hesitant but see that it's really real and thus come).
Repeat, scale as desired. The consistent thread is that you have to Just Do Stuff, and people have to know that you'll Just Do Stuff regardless if people come or not, so they come see you as a dependable and fun person, a great person to tag along with.
You start by starting. The first meetup will have a couple people and you let it be awkward and not quite right. Then you do a second, and a third...
[0] https://takes.jamesomalley.co.uk/p/this-might-be-oversharing
You'd get a bunch of people who say yes but then don't show, this is normal and don't take it personally. Secondly, maybe the first 2-3 times it'd be hard to get people to commit, but once you do it more regularly, people will find it easier to commit to something they know you're already committed to.
I advertise on local meetup platforms and in local social media. And I go to so many meetups myself that when people ask me what my hobbies are and I tell them, they get curious and self-invite.
How have you handled this in past meetups?
Basically the same way you handle the exact same situation outside of organizing meetups, but maybe a bit extra on the friendly-and-try-to-not-traumatize-people-who-might-be-trying side of things.
E.g. people who register to take up a (free) spot and then don't show up after multiple reminders, people who are especially rude to somebody fragile, even people who are unconstructively / loudly negative (picture the equivalent of walking into an auditorium of 800+ people, picking up the microphone on stage to yell "this meetup sucks!" then walking out).
This policy is controversial and I'm always trying to find the balance between being as welcoming as possible to people who aren't neurotypical or are going through a hard time and need the social interaction (e.g. me, multiple times in my life)... and people who just come off as jerks and are a net negative to the group.
I'm in multiple groups myself and I always measure myself by whether my showing up that day was a net positive, neutral or a net negative. If the latter, I don't belong there... at least not until I fix whatever was wrong.
I've been to a lot of meetups and it's definitely hit or miss and obviously depends on the sociability of the people that show up. The better ones I've attended are generally ones where people aren't trying to network for work purposes and are there literally to just socialize. The networking ones I find very dull as it's people just talking shop and career and if you've nothing to offer them on the career front, they move on quickly.
I have literally never been to any kind of organized gathering where this wasn't the objective of most of the people there. Family and children's events excluded (sometimes).
Thanks for unlocking a new anxiety for me.
Yep, thats me.
I made a big effort about 12 years ago to go to a bunch of these (like three meetups a week and trying out a variety of different meetups), but now I mostly stick to a couple of them as I don't have as much time or energy for it anymore. But I've met most of my current friends through those meetups.
Find one you like and keep showing up until you're a regular, and get to know people slowly, and if they like you they start inviting you to things outside of the meetup, and then eventually you end up being friends.
I've done this with three different groups over the years and despite naturally being shy and an introvert I've ended up making friends at each one.
At the height of me doing this (like ten years ago), it got to the point where I'd go about my daily life and about once every other month I'd run into random people I've met at meetups also out and about. Like go out to dinner and spot someone I knew from a meetup also showing up to the same place, or run into them shopping at a Best Buy or something.
Meetups where you do a shared activity seems to be the best, like hikes or movies (+ dinner afterwards) or board games, since you can always focus on the activity if you don't feel like being social, and you have that activity you can always talk about as a subject.
My hobby is also going to the pub.
It's much more structured, with a facilitator to help reduce the possibility of dangerous behaviours. It forced me to confront aspects of myself I otherwise might never have. It also (I think) gave me greater insight into what might be behind people's public faces.
It’s how I met my wife, how I met a whole bunch of people who still feature in my life decades on, how businesses got started, and so much came out of it for everyone involved. It probably helped that we did it over beer and burgers, as one was a social lubricant and the other robbed people of an excuse to leave early. Plus afterwards it transformed into poker back at my place, which was how I really got to know people fast.
Talking to strangers is fun - as is figuring out which strangers will like which other weirdos you’ve got to know and buddy them up.
I think the 10% neuro-divergent is a positive as it being ND can be very isolating for people
Makes me think a focus around ND alone would be a great idea
It will save both sides a lot of time.
