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0 pointspaulryanrogers11mo ago0 comments

It's not only modern technology taking up time. I foolishly bought a project house and have spent nearly every weekend and some weeknights doing repairs and improvements. My SO also tends toward time consuming hobbies like gardening and aquariums. Add young children and every free moment in between is precious.

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SamBam11mo ago

But people have had activities that take up their time since time immemorial. But the "friendship recession" seems to be much newer.

FWIW, my friend recently built a summer home. I went over about four weekends to help drywall, put in flooring, build stud walls, etc. He's had other friends over other weekends. Sometimes it's just one friend, sometimes a few of us go up together. It's a great time, and definitely strengthens our social bonds.

I'm also friends with my kids' parents (one of whom is the one with the house). Playdates turn into dinner invites.

I think we're lucky that we're on the older end -- mid-40s -- so maybe we had time to work our social muscles before social media and Netflix, and have socialization as an expectation.

I'm also personally lucky I have a wife who does a lot of the social reaching-out. For whatever reason, this seems like it's more and more a gendered role, and I'm definitely worse at it -- if I were a bachelor I'd probably be happy staying home alone much more, to my long-term detriment.

7thaccount11mo ago

I think you're right that those of us that had to socialize either before or when the Internet was more in its infancy are just a lot more used to small talk and meet ups. I've noticed younger family members seem to not value that kind of community. The boomers and their parents would say the same about my generation as we have nothing on them. That's literally all they do is drink beer with friends and socialize at various clubs. D&D is the closest equivalent that the younger generation has and half of the people I see playing at my local game shop have gray hair.

kace9111mo ago

That is true, but real hobbies will rarely take up your micropauses - going to the bathroom, coffee break at work, commuting, waiting between sets at the gym, and so on.

You won’t do social stuff in those micropauses anyway, that’s true, but I think those moments are where you’d normally “mentally review”. Wondering how a friend is, feeling like you miss a connection, etc.

Without that, I think we mentally drift away from social connections.

bilsbie11mo ago

You could involve friends in those hobbies. In fact men do better hanging out if they have a goal.

My stepbrother has declined hang out invitations for decades but the minute I need the most minor house or car repair he’ll drop everything and be there all day.

Braxton198011mo ago

You just found the ultimate hack to getting your friends to rebuild an entire house for you

james_marks11mo ago

I can relate to your step brother. I don’t want to “hang out”- full stop. I want to build and make and do things, and when I can combine that with friendship, all the better.

There’s something about needing to feel and appear independent that discourages the ask, and it’s worth challenging.

FollowingTheDao11mo ago

But you see the Amish, they just rebuilt a whole lumber sawmill in only eight days.

https://x.com/matt_vanswol/status/1915121027820159414

Your project house was an individual pursuit when it should be a collective one.

paulryanrogersOP11mo ago

My project has involved neighbors, family, and even a few contractors. But unlike a barn built from scratch there are a lot of random bespoke tasks. Many of them require judgement and experimenting to make it work. Sadly the property was neglected a long time, and poorly built in the first place. Bulldozing and having a new house professionally built would've been faster, produced a better outcome, and only been moderately more expensive--in hindsight.

jagger2711mo ago

In the old world you would have the distinct privilege of bringing this experience to your community. No naive youth can afford even a “starter” house for you to help them rebuild.

gehwartzen11mo ago

There’s Habitat for Humanity which I think would fit this description.

I’ve personally never involved myself with it but over the last few months the group built a modest house on a small lot next to my ex-spouse’s place. Every weekend I saw a group of folks (ranging in age from early 20s to retirement) there building, chatting and generally being very friendly with one another. Really cool to see.

is_true11mo ago

Most of my friends don't like doing manual work, they think it's below them unfortunately.

There's just one that really loves to do it, the rest would feel exploited.

BigGreenJorts11mo ago

On one hand I'm inclined to believe this particular example relies on personality. My aunts and uncles had their home hobby projects and so did they're friends. They'd help either other out on their projects and then take a break over a beer or cigs, chatting the rest of the evening away.

dyauspitr11mo ago

Real hobbies are great though. I enjoy doing them so much more than just visiting people.

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