But no, a local network hop doesn't introduce "orders of magnitude" more latency. The article itself describes how it is only 5x slower within a datacenter for the roundtrip part -- not 100x or 1,000x as you are claiming. But even that is generally significantly less than the time it takes the database to actually execute the query -- so maybe you see a 1% or 5% speedup of your query. It's just not a major factor, since queries are generally so fast anyways.
The kind of database latency that you seem to be trying to optimize for is a classic example of premature optimization. In the context of a web application, you're shaving microseconds for a page load time that is probably measured in hundreds of milliseconds for the user.
> I don't get to decide this. The business does.
You have enough power to design the entire database architecture, but you can't write and execute queries more efficiently, following best practices?