Ask HN: Do you have "confidence"? In spite of your issues, how can you have it?

For keeping myself up, I keep in mind that even if I end up in a bad position, I'm a smart guy. I've navigated myself out of tough spots before just fine, and I can do it again. As much as I can, I hold my own self worth, and don't base it on other people's opinions of me.

For dealing with other people, something I realized was that everybody else is usually too preoccupied in themselves to think that hard about what anyone else is doing. Chances are, even if you embarrass yourself, the other person will have forgotten it within a day unless you're particularly close to them. And even if their opinion of you does shift a bit negative, are they someone whose opinion you really value?

Of course I care what my friends think, my boss, my romantic partner, family; but if one person outside of that has a problem with me, that doesn't have to affect me in any way. I just be as cool as I can with everyone and anything on their end is on them.

On a more practical note, it is important in conversation to assume that your perspective has inherent value. People can perceive when you are trying to please them out of a desperate need for validation, and based on your self-esteem issues, it seems like this is probably what is happening here. If you can't make yourself believe your perspective has inherent value, just treat it like a game - fake it if you have to. You'll soon find that most people will validate your perspective as inherently valuable. It's important to reciprocate this attitude - people can also perceive when you are using them as a means to an end. It is important that you show a sincere interest in how other people think and feel if you want to build deeper relationships with them. The easiest way to do this is to ask opinion questions. You don't need to agree with their opinion; disagreeing with them is a great way to practice acknowledging your own perspective as inherently valuable. The important thing is simply to ask what they think of something.

If you do find yourself craving deeper relationships, you should know two things: 1) The anxiety you're experiencing ("No one asks back") does not go away even if you're in a stable relationship, because it ultimately stems from thought patterns rooted in low self-esteem and 2) if you are primarily socializing in group settings, don't try to befriend the group, befriend individuals within the group.

You are NOT ALONE. Adults barely manage to stay alive, just mask better. Your parents and ex colleagues too.

Get a therapist, realise that your ADHD is actually you, get better with it, treat it as you would your dog friend. Find another job asap, doesnt matter if you like it.

Produce any kind of art, follow inspiredtowrite on Instagram. Accept a virtual hug from me and everyone in the world that barely copes.

We are not all alphas, and it's a lie that you have to.

With respect to uneasy social situations, sometimes I take refuge in a kind of "at least I have the virtue of honesty" approach, which starts with a willingness to say "I don't understand." Granted, that does depends on knowing I won't ever say "I don't understand, why are you sad your dog died?"

> "Adulthood isn’t an award they’ll give you for being a good child. You can waste... years, trying to get someone to give that respect to you, as though it were a sort of promotion or raise in pay. If only you do enough, if only you are good enough. No. You have to just... take it. Give it to yourself, I suppose. Say, I’m sorry you feel like that, and walk away. But that’s hard."

-- A woman recovering from a bad marriage in A Civil Campaign by Lois McMaster Bujold

The single most important activity for me was actively confronting or working on areas where I felt a lack of confidence. E.g. I was embarrassed by my lack of dancing skills so I took hip-hop dance classes. "Fear is the mind killer…"

Good Luck

I've found journaling and introspection to be helpful for building confidence. Sharing some questions below intended for you to journal through:

> But I question myself, who cares what people think? But subconsciously I clearly care very deeply what EVERYONE thinks and it’s exhausting.

I think you've hit it on the nose here!

Have you focused on this point in therapy?

What role do you think family and cultural background might play?

(Aside: I grew up in a collectivist culture and my family is quite traditional—people pleasing is the norm!)

What would it take for you to like yourself even if other people don't like you?

> I’m dumb as bricks in other areas - social situations with more than 1 person are extremely hard to navigate, I constantly have relationship issues with everyone, I find the workplace and jobs impossible to perform in even though I have innate ability in what I do.

In her book Scout Mindset, Julia Galef suggests there are two types of confidence:

1. Epistemic confidence—certainty in something, like a weather prediction

2. Social confidence—comfort with other people, and self assurance. It sounds like you might consider focusing on building social confidence.

What is your inner dialogue like? How do you talk to yourself generally? (Are you hard on yourself? Were your parents hard on you?)

Did you grow up learning that you could only feel confident after you've "earned it" or had a good reason to? (Kunal Gupta wrote a good post on this here: https://www.howto.live/post/confidence)

> When I say confidence I mean quiet confidence, confidence in my own actions and abilities and lot in life x social interactions.

I feel certain that just by defining confidence for yourself so clearly, you're going to get there sooner or later!