Yet not a single modern editor can even come close to it when it comes to extensibility and customization; self-documenting; complete programmability; malleability; ability to perform virtually any computing task without leaving the editor. Modern editors excel at being user-friendly out of the box. Emacs excels at becoming exactly what each user needs it to be. While you find yours to be "objectively dogshit" in comparison, I can probably easily demonstrate to you how mine eats their "modern" shit without even chocking.
> LSP is ridiculously slow
Have you tried to get to the bottom of it? Sometimes it just the lsp-server implementation that is slow. Have you tried https://github.com/blahgeek/emacs-lsp-booster? Did you build Emacs --with-native-comp flag? Have you tried using plists for deserialization https://emacs-lsp.github.io/lsp-mode/page/performance/#use-p...? Have you used Emacs' built-in profiler? Sometimes the issue might be somewhere else, e.g., some fancy modeline settings.
> Things that would be trivial to do in most other languages or contexts
Sure, that's why we see so many "Emacs killers" built in Java, because replicating Org-mode is so trivial in it. /s