no worries, been asking myself that question too. my best guess is that i had disassociated because i couldnt bear the cognitive dissonance from accepting the fact that i was in an abusive relationship. before that incident, everything in that relationship had been going well - but looking back i see that i was slowly becoming more and more reliant on her for her network of friends and her family, which made breaking up a difficult thought to consider. anyway, the other thing going on was sleep deprivation from a severely deviated septum - i broke up with her in may 2024 after a couples counseling session, in which she a) tried to blame me for the stabbing incident, and b) admitted to kicking me awake every night over the previous 4 years when i snored.

anyway. got surgery to fix that apnea issue in july, and ive been getting back to my old self.

edit: the other jarring thing was just how successful i was at work. anyone that uses AWS lambda benefited from my projects in 2023/2024 - some of that stuff got L10 visibility inside AWS. i guess i spent all my mental energy at work, even though i was (and still am) fully remote/WFH. anyway it was tough to reconcile my failures in my personal life with my successes in work life - i was both a failure and a success.