I solve these very problems in the API stack. I cannot speak to raw performance at scale if that's you're thing, though I have long since solved the feature logic lifecycle, and it does not (generally) need this.
I would use UUID related stored procedures, for converting between forms, allowing binary IDs, uuid-form, and base32. Utilities I get. Logic override and transformation I do not. If it came to that, it's a legacy hack or you're doing it wrong.
Calling a very common software architecture a hack or “doing it wrong” demonstrates a lack of experience with large-scale database systems, or an inability to imagine other ways to develop software, or both.
