Ask HN: How did you become a good listener?

The three biggest parts that I learned and got good at, which have come in really handy are: reflective listening, non-directive communication, and not asking "why" questions.

Reflective listening is repeating back what the person is saying to them. It's definitely more art than science, since if you do it too overtly it just feels cheesy and not genuine. But done subtly and well, people open up in really noticeable ways.

Non-directive communication means not telling people what to do. That doesn't mean you don't have opinions about the situation or that you don't push them towards a decision... it just means that your role is to be a sounding board. If someone comes to you saying "My partner cheated on me", the response many people have is "dump them!" -- but you're not living their life, you don't know all the complexities of the situation even if this is your best friend. So, instead of "dump them", a series of questions can often help someone through the situation and leave everyone feeling more seen and heard ("What happened? How are you feeling about that? What do you think this means for your relationship? What would have to happen for you to trust them again? How would you feel staying with them? breaking up with them?" etc)

Not asking why questions is difficult, but once you get the hang of it it's really easy. "Why" questions are almost impossible to say without there being some tone or judgement. "Why did you do that? Why did that thing break? Why didn't you tell me that?" You can often rephrase the question to a more neutrally worded question (sometimes they also sound judgmental, so tone and context matter a lot): "What were you hoping would happen? How did you see this playing out? What do you think led to the system breaking? What can I do differently to allow you to feel comfortable sharing?"

Ultimately it all takes practice, and fundamentally you need to have the time and space to be a good listener. If you only have 2 minutes between meetings, then you're probably not going to have the capacity to listen to your friend talk about their divorce or health scare. But ultimately people like talking about themselves while feeling safe-- so anything you can do to create and encourage that environment will cause people to feel like you're a good listener.

Just chill out and try not doing that for a few seconds. Not saying this is always the wrong thing to do, but if your intention is to have your friends and colleagues appreciate your listening skills I think this is the starting point. Be more present to the conversation; responding to what they are actually saying and not just habitually reacting.

Growing up in a transactional culture, I had the habit of only talking and listening to people if I need something from them or if they achieved massive financial success. This is a very sad way to live life.

Studying the philosophy of Absurdism helped immensely with that, and I also traveled the world to interact with different cultures.

2. It clicked some time after reading "Never split the difference" by Chris Voss. A negotiation book.

At first I understood that I'm listening to understand what my counterpart really wants, that is not saying directly.

An example (I won't remember this correctly and am oversimplifying) was with a Filipino terrorist who was justifying his actions, and the taking of hostages, due to decades of USA injustices to his country. He was asking for a massive amount of money. Turns out he let the hostages go when the negotiator acknowledged what the terrorist was upset about - something like "I understand that you're upset because the USA did X, and they did Y, and Z, etc"

So by that the book made it's point that I should actually listen to what people are saying, because I myself don't understand immediately what I want while I'm talking, so as to tell someone "I want X".

Another example the drove that point home - The author and his son were preparing for something and he asked for a notebook. But the son was giving him a folder, because in his head a notebook is like a folder. And it goes something like:

    Chris Voss: Give me the notebook about the thing.
    Son: Gives the folder.
    Chris Voss (frustrated): Not the folder, the notebook!
    Son: Notebook?
    Chris Voss: 3 ring binder.

Finally, after about 6 months what really made it click was the part on how to listen on his appearance on the Lex Fridman podcast: https://youtu.be/8EguLJgkc54?t=1307

What drove the point home was his experience starting up at the suicide hotline.

He learned to listen in a way to help the other person untangle their minds.

So basically rubber duck debugging. And that's what I try to do now. I always think like I'm assisting people untangle their thoughts and what they want to say. This helps me also ask questions and not assume anything. And I think I get some dopamine when I ask a good question and they elaborate, because my goal is to learn more about what the other person is talking about, which makes me listen more.

Listening, though, is a great talent that is very beneficial to yourself. I don't think it's really something you have to become; rather, you can switch it on and off. Focus your attention on them and do not interrupt. Hear what they're saying. If it's emotional, try to read between the lines. Don't make corrections when they're not critically important. Look them in the eyes.

That's probably a good start.

Figure out softball conversation starters. How do you know: party host, have you done any traveling lately, etc. Practice conversation skills and try to increase your friend group.

As for the valuable part it depends on the group. Some may fact check you and others may take notes.