"catastrophic ADHD" is probably one of the best ways I've seen it described. At times I get hit with just how many things it's ruined over the years and it just makes me feel completely hopeless, like I don't even have any control over my life at all. I don't know if I ever will. It sucks feeling like I could be intelligent and have great potential but my ability to turn that potential into real action is so impaired that I'm almost completely useless and never achieve any of my actual goals.
I've tried to meditate before, but... it doesn't really work. If I try to think less, then thoughts will just hide themselves from me. repeatedly, some new fully-developed thought will just suddenly reveal itself to me, having already been developing for the past 10+ seconds without my knowledge. And this will just keep happening. Stuff just keeps happening in the background and I have no control of it. It's like other parts of my brain are thinking completely for themselves and all I can do is watch and beg for control, and never get it.
I'm autistic, and that type of experience is commonly recognized as an autistic pattern of thought.
I don't want to live like this, the catastrophic ADHD, but it doesn't seem like there's any way to fix it. I feel like my brain is completely defective.
