I am primarily interested in my family (married, kids 7 and 3) and doing well at work, but that is about it? Outside of reading I have no hobbies, I am not part of any groups, I don't have any ambitions outside of home & work, and I don't drink or play video games or watch very much TV/movies. When I meet new people, I realize I don't have much to say because nobody cares about my work or my family or my books (nor should they, necessarily).
I have a great remote job which pays well without being too demanding. It doesn't sound like much, but after working, family time, chores, and some reading it feels like my day is already full. In fact, I usually end each day wishing I had spent more time being a better husband/father/home-owner/reader -- adding any hobbies would make these feelings worse.
I am generally happy with where I am at in life but I feel like there is something missing.
Does anybody else feel this way? Should I try to cultivate new interests? How do I find the time?
I lost him 2 years ago.
This comment is the first time I've even remembered that old frustration in many, many years. The moments I think about, and the types of conversations I wish I could still have, have nothing to do with "interesting" hobbies or being "cool".
He passed on his love of reading and we would frequently discuss ideas from his favorite authors. He loved the scorpions and many similar classic rock bands. Some of my favorite memories are us just chatting about those subjects, or things that were important in my life at the time, or current events, or about nothing at all, while doing something else. I wouldn't trade a single one of those for having a "cooler" or more interesting Dad. Now that I am also in the software industry, I wish we could complain (or celebrate the good) about work together. If anything, I wish he was more open about the boring things that went on in his day to day.
If pushing yourself to try new things is a journey you want to go on for yourself, by all means, do so. Your kids would probably find that interesting in and of itself. But don't do it just to "have something to talk about." They will love you for who you are (...eventually, if not now), and be much more interested in what's in your head and what you care about, than seeing that you check off some amorphous checkbook of "still having cool hobbies." If anything, it will probably be more rewarding for them as they grow up to know more and have more access to the person you already are and the things you already care about. You can buy travel and lessons and "interestingness" or get those things from someone else-- but once you're gone, you're gone forever.
It sounds like you're a caring father. You already got it, man. Just show them who you are.
Wishing you and your family well.
So much of our self worth is wrapped up in "being important" or "being interesting". We don't ask the question enough, "To whom"? As someone else mentioned here, you should be important to the communities you have explicitly chosen and built - your wife and kids, the friends you choose to keep in your life, etc. If they find you interesting and important, that really ought to be enough for just about all of us. I do feel like an awful lot of this pressure to be interesting stems from people who have not cultivated such communities of choice and are left with a dire need to feel important to anyone who will pay attention to them. It's a sickness that I think a lot of people have been able to muster into the wrong kind of attention building, which makes it seems better than it is (e.g. parasocial relationships through social media, etc.)
All of this is to say: Are you happy? Do the people who matter to you find you interesting and fun to be around? Focus on them and be happy. Our lives are enriched by the people we let into them. So long as everyone in our circles are well fed, well loved, and well rested - ourselves included - we can find peace and happiness. Excitement means different things to different people - you'll never catch me bungee jumping, but I get a rush when a delicious meal I had planned turns out exactly as I intended. Find what excites you, surround yourself with people who love and appreciate you - and whom you love and appreciate in return - and work toward your own sense of happiness without the judgement of the chattering classes.
This hit the nail on the head for me.
(Don't be boring to your wife, either.)
In fact, don't be boring to the neighbor kids. You want your house to be the place they hang out, rather than your kids hanging out at the neighbor's house. That way you find out what's going on in your kids' lives sooner, when you can do something about it, rather than later when you maybe can't.
But I like the tack of this comment, I should focus my attention on the core set of people I care about.
More interestingly: I like running and also go the gym most days, but honestly not sure its a great idea since all my (physical) energy is gone after training. I feel like if I don't train I have more gas in my tank for family.
You could try volunteer activities I suppose.
And let me also say that 33 is hardly even "getting middle aged".
Ha, yes, saying "old" is definitely being melodramatic. I suppose I am concerned that, given my current bland state, I will have a hard time creating and sustaining connections with the ample time I have left.
Recognize that it takes effort to create and sustain connections.
It is difficult whether or not you are in a "bland state."
Do not assume that creating and sustaining connections is easy for others.
Yeah, I totally also had a false mid-life crisis at around that age. Take it from me, you're YOUNG! Make the most of it while you still are!
It's definitely a different distinct stage, like a true young adulthood. Can last like 26-40 or so for some.
But you don't to all of a sudden realize they are off on their own life, and they were your primary, or even only, focus.
I recommend reading "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie.
The book won't remedy all of the problems you list, but it should help you to recognize the power which comes from getting people to talk about themselves -- which they love to do.
When you use these techniques you will be very surprised at how little speaking you actually need to do.
It's not mutually exclusive with developing personal hobbies and passions though. It's really cool when you meet someone who shares them because they also put in the time and effort to develop it on their own.
Both types of interactions are wonderful and they complement each other well, IMO. If you can get to know them deeper, it makes every interaction more worthwhile and engaging. If you also happen to share interests, it's easier to have fun together. Win-win!
I think I feel selfish if I spend family time on my interests but that would probably be preferable to a blob of a dad who doesn't have anything he is excited to do.
I'm with you, I also don't watch much TV (I usually just watch some youtube clips) and I haven't touched a video game in a long while. I don't really like sports either (I like playing them, though) so when I get into talks with other guys, once they got onto sports I can't really contribute (but it doesn't bother me).
Like another person mentioned, I would also recommend reading How to Win Friends and Influence people. It's a great resource to learn how to engage in conversation with people even when you think you have nothing to discuss. For the other person, if you can get them to talk about themselves, it won't really matter if you're "boring" because they'll think you're charming and want to engage with you. Another great resource is The Power of Charm by Brian Tracy (particularly helpful if you find yourself socially awkward).
Since I don't have too much time outside of work/family, one thing I've done is learned how to be a better cook. And over the years, I've learned different dishes, how to cook steaks _really_ well, breakfasts (I make a killer French toast), etc. Eventually I started inviting other families over for dinner and I would cook for them - so this became my hobby that people knew about (and who doesn't like a tasty free meal?).
I got so into it and good at it that recently, I had some friends of mine ask me to cook them a Thanksgiving turkey for their New Year's party, which I was honored to do. There were guests at the party that I didn't know, and when they tried the turkey, they liked it and then started asking me about how I did it, what were the ingredients, etc. (I became "interesting," so to say).
My bigger point is that if you find something that you can do that others will appreciate (i.e. cooking, tutoring junior devs, getting really good a finances and helping others with theirs, etc.), you will naturally fall into a hobby that others will enjoy and appreciate you for (and therefore, will find you interesting).
> How do I find the time?
Start small, test iteratively, fail early, refactor. Much like coding :)
The counter to this is having a life of your own outside the family. For me these are outdoor sports and adventures. Something that makes me feel truly alive. Every time I go I come back feeling like a better person and ready to face another round of the interminable monotony of family life. If you want to meet people and have something to talk about then I would suggest a hobby that involves skill or equipment. Road or mountain bike riding would be a good one.
I also have found that once my kids are about 10 they suddenly don't need or want me as much and are more interested in friends. I've been extremely dedicated to my family and did so many things with my kids, its a bit hard to see them growing up and separating but necessary and nice in it's own way of course.
Family can be great, and is a rewarding experience at times and of course and loving obligation. Sounds like you are happy but just need a little adventure in your life. Something that a relatively simple hobby would perfectly satisfy while detracting very little from your family life overall. Think about the big picture, kids will grow up, a few hours or even a whole day on the weekend for your hobby is no big deal.
You can always yearn for another life, but if you pursue it, that usually means giving up on family and and home time. Is that worth it in your heart?
I knew a few older men who focused on their careers and personal aspirations more than their families, and it didn't turn out well for the families. They found success and prestige outside the home, but also turned into lonely, somewhat broken men later in life. I also know a few men who decided, fuck it, I'm not single anymore, and there is no more "me"... it's the family life now. They dove headfirst into dad-dom and loved it for all its challenges. Nobody outside their family really cared, but so what? They were happier.
I'm not saying the family life is for everyone. I'm nearly 40, unmarried, no kids, no house, a lot of freedom. I spend my years exploring, working, learning random hobbies, traveling, going back to school, backpacking, etc. But frankly a lot of those are young people's activities, and I'm out of place everywhere I go. That's okay by me though, because it was my choice to live this life. I'm now in a long term relationship with someone with similar life desires. That might make us more outwardly focused than homebody couples and families, but they don't find us that interesting because they have their own lives. We also don't spend too much time thinking about their families and private lives.
It's just different after your twenties. People tend to settle down and become less adventurous.
Sure, there are people who manage to juggle work and family and climbing Everest over the weekend, but they're pretty rare and usually very intense, for better or worse. That doesn't sound like you.
It's your choice whether to have a midlife crisis (lol), but if you love your family, maybe just try to find some fun hobbies to do with them? Go camping. Try tabletop games (many are wonderful these days, not just like Monopoly and Chutes and Ladders, but hundreds of new excellent titles). Take them skiing or biking or rafting. Start crafting projects, learn to 3d print or blacksmith or crochet. Play some D&D. There are many things you can develop an interest in without giving up the life you chose. Just find things with a limited time (and time away) commitment if you want to keep the family close. There's still a lot you can do in 2-4 hours a week, especially together.
My suggestion is to try different things even if you have to force yourself with the hope that you'll find something you enjoy and can share. There will be many things that you can share with your kids or as a family that will get you there. It's just a matter of trying. I know time is limited but you can carve out some time as a goal especially if you can do it with your family. Start with a family home evening where do the activities with your family.
Yes, that is a good perspective. Hedonic adaptation really applies to everything
> things that you can share with your kids or as a family
Yeah I think that is part of the answer. I have perhaps over-optimized deferring to what my family wants/needs but it would probably be better for everyone if I had something I was excited to do and set aside time around that.
- Everything you wrote sounds perfectly fine to me. And I'm often more interested in talking about changing diapers than about Amazing Spectacular Things.
- This might be over the top, in which case just discard it, but if you feel something is missing, and you like reading, maybe check some practical philosophy? It might as well turn out you already have everything you need, or that what you need is not what you think you need.
- I'm a bit over 40 and last year I started doing karaoke, completely by accident (someone suggested it, I went, and stayed). I don't have "musical genes", so you probably wouldn't like to get my signed record :))--but I really enjoy the whole thing. At some point I noticed that some songs sounded better than before, and it gave me some motivation to work on them. And suddenly I have a completely unexpected hobby. My point here is that a hobby can emerge in a completely unexpected way, at any time in your life.
I've noticed this in myself - if you have intrinsic feelings of excitement and enjoyment, then you just have a lot more to add when you’re around other people. You emit more excitement, and originality.
But this is supplementary - consciously seeking out the right communities that energize you is paramount.
That little jab aside, I recently bought a nice bike during autumn sales and equipped myself with a wahoo Kickr smart trainer and cycling shoes / bibs etc.
I didn't think that the gamified zwift interface could be this much fun but I'm addicted and never had better cardio than I do right now. I'm even skipping weightlifting workouts to bike more ..
So yeah get this as a new hobby and then once you figure out all the awesome stuff about it get the rest of your family into it. It's healthy af and there's a huge community of people.
I never really enjoyed running, rowing was much better but biking is on another level. What's awesome during winter is the smart trainer, once you test your fitness level the workouts are adapted to you perfectly.
In terms of hobby, I reckon do a hobby whose side effect makes your home life easier. For example if you do woodwork as a hobby that is a useful thing to be good at for jobs around the house. Also semi professional cooking would be a good one. Or anything that gets you fit.
Are you boring or bored? Big difference.
One thing I've heard from many retired people is that they're bored. And I was always like...how can you be bored?! You have all the time in the world to do all the things you want but never had time for because of work! What did you do all day with your time off before retirement?
I read your post and wonder if you're going to end up one of those people.
> Outside of reading I have no hobbies, I am not part of any groups, I don't have any ambitions outside of home & work, and I don't drink or play video games or watch very much TV/movies. [...] Should I try to cultivate new interests? How do I find the time?
You absolutely should try to cultivate new interests.
I'm a big PC gamer, playing things from all genres. FPS, turn-based strategy, real-time strategy, factory building, city building, colony sim, puzzle, RPG (action, MMO, and single-player), racing...I play so many games that when people ask me "What do you play?", I never know how to answer! Though my favorites are typically the city builders, colony sims, and factory builders.
But I recently got into RC cars after digging out the ones I inherited from my dad. He had some stuff from the late 80s, like a Traxxas Bullet and a Kyosho Optima Mid. I upgraded the motors and electronics, but eventually decided to get myself a modern Traxxas Rustler 4x4 VXL. Out of the box, it'll go 45 mph, and if I swap the pinion gear out on the motor, it'll go ~70 mph (at the expensive of some acceleration).
There are so many hobbies and interests to get into. You just gotta find what you like to do! Just don't let anyone tell you that any hobby that doesn't lead to something useful is a waste of time. There are some poor souls, even here on HN, that think anything that doesn't produce value beyond just being entertaining is a waste of time. Fuck 'em. They're going to be on their death beds wishing that they had allowed themselves to have more fun.
Finding time...I don't really know how to answer that one, since I'm not a parent, though I am married, but my wife is a PC gamer as well, so I have plenty of free time outside of work.
I play a sport in a club. When I hang out with those people... yea it's all we talk about almost. Nobody in my family or friends play this sport, nor do they care to talk about it.
So I just would not expect whatever it is you pick up to be broadly interesting to other people either.
Do you mind disclosing your employer or at least how you obtained your job? Some of us are having "trouble finding employment"[1]
At 50+, I'm actually glad how 'boring' my life has become. When I was younger, 'interesting' was generally code for drama...
Now my son is grown, the bills are paid, my health is decent .. I'm happy to just be 'boring' and relax.
You don't need to sound interesting or have things to talk about. If you're finding you are not "happy" with what you have, that's another discussion.
There a millions of "cool" people who would give anything for a chance to live a "boring" life you describe.
At the current place in my life I'm as boring as you (with kids, chores etc.), and I'm pretty happy about it.
BTW - are you regularly reading to your kids? That also checks a lot of your boxes.
My daughter plays hockey. The boring parents sit in the workspace area, on their computers, doing work. The rest hang out in the bar area that looks out over the ice chatting, playing (non-gambling) card games, etc. Hardly anyone has anything "interesting" going on, or if they did they aren't talking about it. Who cares, it's fine.
I do read a lot to the kids, that has been great.
There is a major metro ~1 hr away but the commute would be killer.
most people think of a job as a lifetime thing whereas it is a short paid bootstrapping session to learn how the adult world works.
after that you should be finding edges and exploiting them on your own.
This could be different elements at different times, e.g. you could lean really heavily on a friend group for a couple years, then later become religious and let your Church be your life's Northstar for a while as the friend group organically scatters, then later go deep with your family, or a sport, or travel, or whatever.
Right now it seems like your job is probably filling that "reliable bright spot" role in your life, and imho it's not worth discarding that until another independent element is clearly ready to fill that "bright spot" role.
