But it's fully buzzword compatible!

"Enjoy a collaborative editing experience, while taking advantage of true serverless scalability, strong consistency, ACID-compliance, sharding, and other database properties."

"Programmatically interacting with records on RONIN is made possible through its unique query syntax, designed to allow for accessing data in the most “humane” way possible, as it closely mimics the English language."

Here's the syntax:

    get.blogPosts = {
        'where.author.handle.is': 'elaine',
        'where.ronin.createdAt.isLessThan': new Date(),
        including: ['author']
    };

This is SQL made hard.