I can understand feeling frustrated, but it's a little unfair on yourself. Most designers hone their ability through constant application of their skill, not to mention very often years of expensive schooling. Nobody does it overnight. Although it's certainly possible to do without the expensive formal schooling.

> what are the ingredients

The ingredients (AKA the elements and principles of design): http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Design_elements_and_principles

If you're not going to quit your job to go to SVA or RISD, I'd say the best place to start is to pick up a few books and do exercises. Give yourself time, don't get frustrated, and work at it. There are a lot of good resources in print out there. You could do worse than Alan Pipes's Foundations of Art and Design

http://www.laurenceking.com/product/Foundations+of+Art+---+D...

I'm not aware of anything really fantastic available for free online.

There is an underlying grid. The typography has a consistent visual flow. The elements form the structure on the "page/screen" instead of creating containers to hold the elements. Not to sound pompous, but there is clarity. You may want to look into swiss design for influences.

If you wanna talk to someone who went to art school with more specific questions, feel free to email me. My email is in my profile. :)

I really like the book Design for Hackers http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B005J578EW/ref=as_li_ss_tl?... by David Kadavy.

I read it, and I've told about six of my friends to buy it. They all have, and we've all gone from really no design sense whatsoever to at least being able to understand WHY something looks good (or not)

Two things that transcend trends. White space + good typography. Colors are an accent.