I've not found that Aggregates need to be designed at the beginning; I've found it works fine to define an Aggregate after you start seeing performance issues with query patterns (i.e. define an Aggregate and forbid direct access to sub-objects when you see pathological access patterns/deadlocking).
Personally I've found Repositories to be a good way of enforcing that N+1 queries DO NOT happen. For example, in Django you can have the repository run select_related/prefetch_related and `django-seal` on the ORM query to forbid unexpected queries. This somewhat neuters the flexibility of the ORM, which can be a big cost, but lets you build much more restrictive queries that are guaranteed to perform well. It's a trade-off and I don't think it's a clear win for every use-case, but particularly when dealing with Aggregates I think having a limited number of ways to query is beneficial. (This might mean you're running some sub-optimal SQL queries, over-fetching etc., but for most line of business applications, that's actually a viable trade in exchange for simpler domain interfaces and protection against N+1 queries.)
Regarding "planning" vs. "doing", that seems to fit quite well with doing most of your work in POJO/POPO domain models, then only rendering those into DB writes at the edges. I think Repos can help with that. (IME you get N+1 selects when you use ORM models that abstract away the SQL queries and have application code interacting directly with ORM models; if you remove the ORM from your core domain logic and force it to live at the edges in Repos, this is not possible.)