I had kids relatively young for a yuppie male (27) and while that was 100% the “right time” I would have done it earlier if I had known how great they are.
I’m turning 33 next month and really want children. I have endless memories of my dad and grandfathers teaching me amazing lessons and being best/strongest men I have ever been around. I want to fulfill that role that for someone! We didn’t have much money but camping or diy building is something fondly reminisce on and made me who I am.
My partner is 25 and is not decided on children yet due to also growing up poor and and having a rougher realationship with their fam. We’ve lived together a year now but she recently got an IUD and was happy about the ‘10 years of freedom’.
To her kids is a ‘probably after I finish all my goals/traveling’.
We were recently vacationing in Barcelona and met 3 young boys at the hotel and played a game of uno with them in the lobby. They lived in the Bay Area and I imagine their parents were techies, they were indian, 6-12yrs, long hair, well spoken, had skateboards, and wearing tie dye.
I CANNOT stop thinking about them.
I’m considering an ultimatum but I love her so much.
Sorry for the rant HN, I just needed somewhere to say it.
If you don't split up at that point, this difference is likely to become a source of resentment. You may also regret not having split up earlier so that you could meet someone who is a better match for you sooner.
This is the kind of thing that people really need to be on the same page about for the relationship to be viable long-term. Attitudes towards money (how much to spend, save, etc) is another.
My advice is to have an honest conversation where you try to understand where she’s at on this and why, without trying to change it.
And then if you determine that she really doesn’t want kids, or may not ever, you might have to make a very hard choice to either accept that and let go of your dream of having kids, or to follow another path without her.
But own it as your choice, without resentment. She doesn’t owe you a child.
I met her too a little bit later, and boy, the resentment was strong with her. I couldn't blame her.
With things like kids, please don't be wishy-washy; make up your mind and set specific goals, timelines, etc. Kids are an expensive investment of both money and time.
I'm 32 and my wife is 33, we've been together for 12 years. I started having the itch to have kids when I turned 30, but my wife 100% doesn't want them. Choosing between a life without children or leaving the person I've shared my whole adult life with is intolerable.
All I can say is you're not alone and I wish you the best.
Dictating, forcing things is not the way to go for such things. You cant force children onto an unwilling mother. Its best if such things are handled amicably and with consensus.
I want chips for tea (deep fried julienned potatoes for your evening meal), you don't want chips, I say "I'll go out for tea then", you decide how important it is for you; you're literally in control.
Clearly the stakes are very different but it couldn't be further from dictatorship.
I don't think avoiding hard choices helps either party in the long run.
Family baggage is tough and there may be stuff she needs to work on within herself too before she's ready. Encouraging that is a good way to be supportive and work towards the goal of kids together.
Strongly advise against ultimatums
In this case, it may be acceptable to have kids at a later age; in addition, there could be other related concerns not mentioned in the comment (a lot of information is lost when writing about something online), which could make having kids acceptable.
Then if it's truly a red line issue (one partner absolutely does not want to have kids, while the other does), both people will know that they at least tried very hard to work it out, and reached an understanding that there could be long-term unhappiness or resentment if the relationship persisted. Then there can be few to no regrets with moving on, which is difficult after being in a relationship for a long period of time.
But let me still respond to this, as freedom of speech:
Leave a message for the top female executive at the company she most admires. Ask your wife then leave the message. Just tell them leave this message. I've heard of similar messages. That executive will talk to your wife and will try to give her the message you want to give her.
Apparently for women once you realize you're a fertility-dead-end your body takes its toll on your failure. Not for men as much because a man is fertile much longer, and more uncertainly, and it's more reasonable for him to be a fertility-dead-end because men are better and worse than women, they are a gamble by their very nature.
I love my wife more than anything outside my family, but the kids are on another level. In 20 years you may not remember your current partner’s face. But you won’t pass a moment without thinking about your children, if you choose to have them.
You likely already considered the fertility odds, but to add context, according to a resource approved by the department of health for Victoria, Australia [0], the odds of having a child increasingly drop from age 35 onwards. There are also likely risks for men trying to have children after the age of 40, according to a balanced article on WebMD [1].
Negotiation is an option besides an ultimatum, and I actually think most opinions on the internet about relationships go for breakups far too soon. You have valid concerns that you can address with negotiation; in specific:
1) There is no clarity for the timeline of having kids (10 years plus after a vague goal of reaching all other goals of your partner).
2) From the tone of your partner, it's possible she doesn't seem to be taking your valid concern with seriousness, though perhaps serious conversations may just didn't come to mind at the time you wrote your comment.
3) Your partner hasn't seriously discussed the fertility implications of having children that late, at least from the contents of your comment.
To compromise, consider the red lines. Would you be willing to stay in the relationship without kids? If the answer is "no," it's almost inevitable you will be resentful and the relationship is likely to have a very negative effect on your life.
Would your partner be willing to have kids? If the answer is "no," it's also almost inevitable she will be resentful if she reluctantly goes into it; if the answer legitimately is "yes, but after a certain point of time," then you have room to work it out. The compromise solution is to have a specific endpoint when you will try for kids (with a clear "yes" for trying for children at that point). If there is none, moving on may be a hard decision but the right one for personal happiness for both people in the long-term.
As with any online advice, please take this comment with a huge grain of salt because there is an enormous amount of information and nuance lost when communicating a situation over text (or even over a conversation in person). However, the main principles of compromise—knowing each others' red lines, and account for possible long-term resentment due to agreements favoring one side disproportionately—may hopefully still be helpful. Best of luck to you.
[0] https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/conditionsandtrea...
[1] https://www.webmd.com/men/news/20141202/older-dads-health
