I have a few years of experience as a Web Dev, but sadly my GitHub is barren from code.

Go and learn. Skills are not set in stone.

> I don't perform well remotely, and my wife won't consider relocating

I understand that. I don't know you, but maybe a nicer setup with more (not too direct) sunlight can make it better?

You are in complete control over your life, but you have to accept that responsibility. Stop blaming externalities and start owning your choices.