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0 pointsthrowawayboise4y ago0 comments

I can pretty much guarantee that the wife did not say "When you leave a dirty dish by the sink, I feel like you won't do a simple thing that you know will make me happier, and that hurts me and causes me to doubt that you would do anyhing for me that required more effort." Instead, she just griped about the dish. Men are not that perceptive unless they've already been educated about this. Women need to be explicit about how they are feeling if they want to be sure that the men are getting the message.

Edit: I'll add, after a moment of reflection, that it's possible that the wife herself did not really understand the reason why the dirty dish irritated her so much. So all that occurred to her to do was complain about it and dig in her heels. The real reason might be that she feels doubts about her husband's commitment to her, and that manifests in being angry about dirty dishes.

So often we are taught that men and women are not different, but they are. This could be taught in high school in a personal relationship unit in health class. But it isn't. To the extent it's discussed, it is mostly focused on physical abuse. Mothers can also teach it to their sons, but I'm not sure many do. Mine certainly did not, and I had to learn it the hard way.

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4 comments · 2 top-level

Twounwhe4y ago· 2 in thread

I will not venture a guess as to whether the author's wife articulated her feelings and needs clearly because I do not know either of them.

However, I can say that in my own life, I have been quite explicit about how I was feeling multiple times. In my own words: "When you {seemingly insignificant thing} that I've mentioned bothers me, it makes me feel like you don't care about my concerns, and only care about yourself. That hurts me, and because I've already mentioned this, it makes me doubt that you have any concern for my feelings." (Somewhere around the dozenth time, append "or my wellbeing.")

Even so, it usually took repeating half a dozen times or more before my significant other exhibited any reaction beyond dismissal (i.e. moving past "It's just a cup. It shouldn't bother you."). This happened in three separate LTRs.

Obviously my anecdote doesn't prove anything... except that "women need to be explicit about how they are feeling" is insufficient (though necessary) in at least a non-zero % of communication.

throwaway0a5e4y ago

>Even so, it usually took repeating half a dozen times or more before my significant other exhibited any reaction beyond dismissal (i.e. moving past "It's just a cup. It shouldn't bother you.").

At least you actually repeated yourself half a dozen times. Many people would throw a fit about "you're not listening" before then.

agota4y ago

You seem to be implying that it's irrational to be upset about having to repeat yourself if you haven't yet repeated yourself at least six times?

If you need to repeat yourself half a dozen times to get any reaction beyond dismissal, it's reasonable to conclude that the other person is indeed not listening.

In fact, it's reasonable to conclude that they just don't care, and that it's time to move on.

op00to4y ago

Each person must be responsible for understanding, taming, and ultimately mastering communicating their needs and feelings to be a part of a constructive marriage. It's not a male/female thing - that's a distraction. It's a personal responsibility thing. Be responsible for your own happiness by advocating for yourself in a clear way.

Or you'll end up divorced over glasses by the sink.

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