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0 pointsCerium4y ago0 comments

Years ago I learned this lesson about marriage while on a trip in South Western China. I joined a tour group to see a mountain for a few days. My party was six and the van sat eight, so the driver got another couple to join us. They were fascinating. We learned over meals together that they were an arraigned marriage. At the time I had extremely negative views around the practice, thanks to growing up in the USA where we celebrate our freedom to choose the perfect partner. From them I learned a new facet of love and saw something beautiful in their relationship. They entered marriage knowing they would have differences to solve together. They solved those differences and developed a great relationship.

After that encounter I changed my mental model of finding someone to marry from finding someone perfect for me to arainging my own marriage. By that I meant that I wanted to find someone generally compatable but also willing to work together. It turns out I found that person on that same trip, and we have now been married for 7 years, but that is a long off topic story.

For sure, each side needs to always be trying to compromise more than the other.

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11 comments · 2 top-level

bombcar4y ago· 7 in thread

This is a very important lesson - the chance of finding a "perfect" partner is vanishingly small if considered in the normal view - but the chance of finding someone who is willing to work together is higher.

And most marriages are "arranged" in some way or another, we just like to pretend that random chance plays little part and somehow we've got it down to a science.

toomuchtodo4y ago

I can't recommend this book enough on the topic. TLDR Women are more picky then Men in the courtship marketplace, and finding a partner with matching values is most important to growing and staying together. People expect a fairy tale, when they're signing up for a job (relationships require work and effort).

A quote from the author 10 years post publishing: “I think the book is really, ironically, about having higher standards about the things that matter, like the character qualities, generosity, kindness, reliability, and not getting so hung up on things like, you know, whether you’re going to go on a second date with a guy because of how he dressed.”

https://smile.amazon.com/Marry-Him-Case-Settling-Enough/dp/0... (Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough)

https://openlibrary.org/books/OL23687614M/Marry_him

The Atlantic piece that was the genesis for the book: https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2008/03/marry-h...

https://jezebel.com/lori-gottliebs-marry-him-was-always-a-ca...

EDIT: @300bps (HN throttling, can't reply directly) Indeed. The book covers exactly this (census data for the dating marketplace and the dynamic between genders as age brackets tick upwards). The market is great for women 21-30, and it rapidly declines after 35. You can borrow the book from the Internet Archive with the library link I tossed in this comment for more context.

giantg24y ago

"People expect a fairy tale, when they're signing up for a job."

This is worth reiterating.

2 more replies

pdimitar4y ago

> People expect a fairy tale, when they're signing up for a job.

Nope. BS. And I am saying this as a guy with one failed marriage and now with a super happy one going stronger than before even, 8 years down the line.

Stop perpetuating work ethic when it comes to feelings and partnership, please. Relationships can be beautiful in literally every way. Maybe just keep looking and don't generalize because that makes you look bitter. Is that your intent?

2 more replies

Stratoscope4y ago

> @300bps (HN throttling, can't reply directly)

Just a tip, the throttling only applies to the comment thread, and I believe it is only a five-minute timeout.

You can always reply to a comment directly without waiting for the timeout, by clicking on the timestamp next to the username. That takes you to the individual comment page which will have a reply box.

300bps4y ago

I first want to say that I cringed reading the entire original article.

But I want to address something you said as well, "TLDR Women are more picky than Men".

This is highly age-dependent... On average:

A 21 year old woman on a dating site has to be picky. She's getting constant messages from men anywhere from 18 years old to 100 years old.

A 40 year old woman is still a bit picky on a dating site but is starting to realize that things are vastly different than they used to be.

A 47 year old woman is generally willing to date just about anyone that messages her. Or she’s given up on dating.

2 more replies

billmalarky4y ago

There is no such thing as the "perfect" partner if the definition of "perfect" means "perfect compatibility."

Even if there were perfect compatibility (which would really just be extending solipsism to one's relationship), the only constant in life is change. Thus one might be "perfectly compatible" with another person in a small snapshot of time in which they enter into a marriage. Then every single day and every single change threatens that compatibility. It's a fragile house of cards to build a longterm relationship around.

em-bee4y ago

you have to continuously work on the relationship to keep each other compatible.

qiskit4y ago· 2 in thread

> At the time I had extremely negative views around the practice, thanks to growing up in the USA where we celebrate our freedom to choose the perfect partner.

For most of american history, "arranged" marriages were the norm and was based in communal, religous and practical realities. The disneyified idea of marriage is a modern PR invention primarily to get more business activity. Just like the idea of proposing with a diamond ring. It's amazing how easily and quickly media can change minds individually and collectively and alter history/culture.

cma4y ago

> For most of american history

I see some things saying it was common among certain immigrant groups before 1900 (it doesn't say whether it was a majority):

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Arranged_marriage

Now that it is 2022 though we're closer to 1900 than 1900 is to the enactment of the constitution, so even then I'm not sure it would be most of american history unless maybe going colonial or pre-colonial (or are talking north+south america).

JoeJonathan4y ago

> For most of american history, "arranged" marriages were the norm

Were they? First-wave feminists made serious headway in challenging marriage norms as early as the 1850s/60s. The language of "soulmate" comes from this period, and was Spiritualist way of rationalizing divorce from your partner for someone you truly loved.

j / k navigate · click thread line to collapse

0 comments

11 comments · 2 top-level

bombcar4y ago· 7 in thread

And most marriages are "arranged" in some way or another, we just like to pretend that random chance plays little part and somehow we've got it down to a science.

toomuchtodo4y ago

https://smile.amazon.com/Marry-Him-Case-Settling-Enough/dp/0... (Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough)

https://openlibrary.org/books/OL23687614M/Marry_him

The Atlantic piece that was the genesis for the book: https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2008/03/marry-h...

https://jezebel.com/lori-gottliebs-marry-him-was-always-a-ca...

giantg24y ago

"People expect a fairy tale, when they're signing up for a job."

This is worth reiterating.

2 more replies

pdimitar4y ago

> People expect a fairy tale, when they're signing up for a job.

Nope. BS. And I am saying this as a guy with one failed marriage and now with a super happy one going stronger than before even, 8 years down the line.

2 more replies

Stratoscope4y ago

> @300bps (HN throttling, can't reply directly)

Just a tip, the throttling only applies to the comment thread, and I believe it is only a five-minute timeout.

300bps4y ago

I first want to say that I cringed reading the entire original article.

But I want to address something you said as well, "TLDR Women are more picky than Men".

This is highly age-dependent... On average:

A 21 year old woman on a dating site has to be picky. She's getting constant messages from men anywhere from 18 years old to 100 years old.

A 40 year old woman is still a bit picky on a dating site but is starting to realize that things are vastly different than they used to be.

A 47 year old woman is generally willing to date just about anyone that messages her. Or she’s given up on dating.

2 more replies

billmalarky4y ago

There is no such thing as the "perfect" partner if the definition of "perfect" means "perfect compatibility."

em-bee4y ago

you have to continuously work on the relationship to keep each other compatible.

qiskit4y ago· 2 in thread

> At the time I had extremely negative views around the practice, thanks to growing up in the USA where we celebrate our freedom to choose the perfect partner.

cma4y ago

> For most of american history

I see some things saying it was common among certain immigrant groups before 1900 (it doesn't say whether it was a majority):

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Arranged_marriage

JoeJonathan4y ago

> For most of american history, "arranged" marriages were the norm

j / k navigate · click thread line to collapse