Annoyances 1 and 7, at least, can be solved by disabling the automatic switching logic. When connected to the AirPods, under Bluetooth -> (AirPods name) -> Connect to this {iPhone/iPad/Mac}, select "When Last Connected" instead of "Automatically". Repeat for each Apple device.

It's a simpler mental model and it works way more reliably. No more weird handoff prompts and no unexpected switching. Yes, you have to select the device manually, but that takes just seconds from the control center or audio output menu.

I definitely agree with some of the other annoyances, although my AirPods have been generally very reliable (and much more so than my other set of wireless buds!). The weirdest one to me is that Apple is still using the crappy HFP profile for bidirectional audio, leading to annoyance #3; I'm surprised Apple hasn't just engineered their own bidirectional audio profile, because the sound quality drop is so noticeable that it's laughable.