LOL amazing metaphor.
The one thing that I've learned recently which surprised me- if you want to cluster MySQL (via partitioned tables or PlanetScale, etc) you cannot use foreign keys.
Some of the Postgres compatible tooling (Citus, Cockroach, etc) appears to support foreign keys across partitions / shards.
I was quite surprised to see this. Makes sense that not allowing FKs makes the data easier to shard but I never imagined that would be a thing you would have to contend with.