> I was on SSRIs for a time until my thoughts became so irreversibly cloudy that I weened off and stopped. After that I coincidentally stopped drinking, my weight dropped, and now I've stopped using weed for the most part. My anxiety doesn't go away, even if I go ride my bike for hours.

You may want to try a primarily anaerobic exercise like lifting weights to supplement your cardio. Your mileage may vary, but I personally get a huge endorphin rush from a heavy[1] deadlift. It's so powerful that it takes an effort to not start hugging other people at the gym.

> I've noticed relying on my friends to vent just sours relationships. As much as people gloat about support systems, it's mainly a farce. People will only tolerate hearing so much of your internal dissonance, concerns, and stressors. People want to enjoy you, for the most part. Maybe a partner will be there for you, but not likely in my experience (though, I'm unmarried, so take what I say with a grain of salt.)

More than anything else, people remember how you make them feel. If you're always dumping your negative issues on them, even if they like you, subconsciously they'll learn to associate you with feeling bad and avoid you.

A much better approach is to show an interest in your friends and try to sympathize with what's going well in their lives. And I mean really sympathize. Let yourself feel happiness on their behalf. Encourage them to keep it up. Then they will learn that being around you makes them feel good. Once you build up a good feelings battery in the relationship, you can draw down from it a bit when you're feeling down.

Dating is a different ball of wax. If you're having trouble with basic friendships then it's probably best to establish some healthy habits there first.

[1] https://exrx.net/Testing/WeightLifting/StrengthStandards. Bear in mind these are single rep maximum effort, which an untrained person isn't likely to properly do.

thank you friend for sharing your experiences and stories.

> I've noticed relying on my friends to vent just sours relationships. As much as people gloat about support systems, it's mainly a farce. People will only tolerate hearing so much of your internal dissonance, concerns, and stressors.

i resonate with this a lot. have you heard of the author Francis Weller?

“At the core of this grief is our longing to belong. This longing is wired into us by necessity. It assures our safety and our ability to extend out into the world with confidence. This feeling of belonging is rooted in the village and, at times, in extended families. It was in this setting that we emerged as a species. It was in this setting that what we require to become fully human was established. Jean Liedloff writes, "the design of each individual was a reflection of the experience it expected to encounter." We are designed to receive touch, to hear sounds and words entering our ears that soothe and comfort. We are shaped for closeness and for intimacy with our surroundings. Our profound feelings of lacking something are not reflection of personal failure, but the reflection of a society that has failed to offer us what we were designed to expect. Liedloff concludes, "what was once man's confident expectations for suitable treatment and surroundings is now so frustrated that a person often thinks himself lucky if he is not actually homeless or in pain. But even as he is saying, 'I am all right,' there is in him a sense of loss, a longing for something he cannot name, a feeling of being off-center, of missing something. Asked point blank, he will seldom deny it.”

― Francis Weller, The Wild Edge of Sorrow: Rituals of Renewal and the Sacred Work of Grief

this a great conversation with Weller that i seem to return to about once a year: https://charleseisenstein.org/podcasts/new-and-ancient-story...