If you're giving negative feedback because they did something wrong/substandard work, you document it and move on. If there are questions later, you refer back. I've literally never had this be a problem.
I'm not sure why talking about your personal life would be grounds for issues unless you decided to talk about your bedroom, politics, or religion. "I went hiking on X trail this weekend, it was pretty cool" isn't going to get you called into HR.
I've never been personally accused of anything like this.
But... I've looked at past incidents both in the public light and privately among friends and worried that I might have inadvertently screwed up.
For example, the whole PyCon dongle joke incident. This is a case where a couple of guys were being immature and made some sexual joke about dongles. A woman in front of them overheard it, snapped their picture, posted it on Twitter, and they got fired (at least one posted an apology IIRC). Could I have made a dongle joke at a social event in my early 20s? You bet I could have! Esp. because, as an introvert programmer, these kind of events were a great place for me to socialize (vs bars, clubs, etc).
I've witnessed people get called out for much much less. I just don't ever want to be on that side of the table.
You don't understand.
When I interact with people, I don't see race/color/age/sex. I'm just focused on the problem at hand. I also have a deep compassion for people in general.
What I'm worried about is saying or doing the wrong thing due to a lapse in judgement in the moment.
I'll give you an example. I love fashion. At a previous company it was all guys. When a guy came to work and was wearing new shoes, I'd notice, and compliment the shoes. Or if they were wearing a new shirt I might say that it "brings out your X". I'm straight so there's nothing sexual here. I just think fashion is cool. It's a hobby of mine.
Making any comments about female coworker fashion terrifies me. What if I say something that's perceived as a sexual advance? Don't forget that men often disguise sexual advances as seemingly innocent compliments. It's a big gray area.
> If you're giving negative feedback because they did something wrong/substandard work, you document it and move on. If there are questions later, you refer back. I've literally never had this be a problem.
Maybe I wasn't clear in my post, but my point is that I have an irrational fear.
I'd much rather sacrifice a little bit of professional perception of skill to not mess around in an area I'm very paranoid about.
> I'm not sure why talking about your personal life would be grounds for issues unless you decided to talk about your bedroom, politics, or religion. "I went hiking on X trail this weekend, it was pretty cool" isn't going to get you called into HR.
Irrationally, I worry that I'll get to comfortable and mention something that, to me, is obviously not "-ist" but comes off that way.
No offense but this is such a silly thing to say. EVERYONE sees race/age/sex. Most people also change how they interact with others based on their age/sex and that's perfectly fine (if you're basing it on race that's an issue unless you're literally in a foreign country with a different culture). I don't talk to a 2 year old girl in the same tone of voice and vocabulary that I talk to a 40 year old man. If you're treating a 2 year old and a 40 year old the same, we've probably discovered one of many problems with your interpersonal skills.
>Making any comments about female coworker fashion terrifies me.
Why? Again this is all pretty straightforward. Couple simple rules: don't stop by the same persons desk every day and compliment their fashion, that gets creepy.
"I like those earrings, they look great" - no problem.
"Hey I really like the way that shirt fits your body" - problem
>Maybe I wasn't clear in my post, but my point is that I have an irrational fear.
And my point is that you're saying you are knowingly and intentionally treating your female coworkers significantly different than your male coworkers, and that's kind of weird, and will likely lead to more issues than if you just treat them the same...
I strongly disagree here. When I'm reviewing code, I look at the code. It could be written by ANYONE. I don't ever think "this woman" or "this <religion>" when reviewing code!
> "I like those earrings, they look great" - no problem. > "Hey I really like the way that shirt fits your body" - problem
You don't see how it can be easy to accidentally state the latter? If you don't... I just don't know what else to say. A major part of fashion is accentuating or hiding parts of someone's body...
In any case, as I said, I acknowledge that it's an irrational fear and I'd just rather not take the risk.
I think your main POV here is that if your heart is in the right place then everything will be fine. I just hard disagree with that.
> And my point is that you're saying you are knowingly and intentionally treating your female coworkers significantly different than your male coworkers, and that's kind of weird, and will likely lead to more issues than if you just treat them the same...
No, I treat them both equally but I avoid expressing any opinion whatsoever becomes I'm worried about being perceived otherwise.
I don't give female coworkers critical reviews, but I don't give male coworkers bad reviews either.
What I'm saying is that I very strategically avoid ANY situation where my I can express an opinion that MAY be perceived as "-ist".
In other words, think of any situation where intent is a major factor.
Example: A very veeerrrry nit picky code review. Some people are nit picky about every single thing to every single person. That's fine. But if someone is nit picky ONLY to female coworkers then that's a problem.
Intent is what matters there. My (again, irrational) fear is that my intent my get mis-read due to bad luck. My code reviews can be inconsistent sometimes. Some days I might point something out that I wouldn't on other days. Just human error. See what I mean?
You may have your best intentions about women and still slip. Like accidentally calling people "guys" which is considered offensive now.
Everyone does tons of "mistakes" like that. Sometimes it is forgiven, sometimes it is now.
Whether it is forgiven or not often depends not on the exact words or tone of your voice, but on the perception of you. If you are handsome, the reaction will be a giggle. If you not so good, exactly the same words can be considered offensive. https://knowyourmeme.com/photos/1663485-hello-human-resource...
The problem is that people gets offended too easily nowadays.
And you advice can be translated as "just be successful young and handsome".
Tell that to Alex Reid.
