Ask HN: How to deal with an abusive co-worker?

Try to think of ways you can minimize contact with them in the meantime, maybe find a therapist to help you get through.

Sorry you have to deal with this.

I disagree with any advice on engaging with him at all. As a victim of emotional abuse myself, I think the best way forward is to completely ignore him as best you can - there is nothing you can ever gain from trying to talk to him (except for the bare minimum required for work). It is so tempting to tell him what you really think but trust me - he is better at being a jerk than you are (he has a lifetime of practice) and it will probably backfire.

Try to get a new job and maybe when another 5 people quit the boss will realize that there is a real problem with your coworker.

Strategy 1 Find his weak point, and hit it. Make fun of his weak points, is he short? Don't accept his PR, make him beg you to stop - now he wants something from you.

Strategy 2 Ignorance is a bliss, threat him like he doesn't exist, don't talk to him on calls, don't mention his name/work. Don't listen to him.

Strategy 3 Call him out publicly. Be prepared. Is he claiming your work, ask publicly in how did he do it and how does it actually work. Act very interested, make him show the commit. Waste everyones time, don't care.

I know this is all toxic stuff, and you may not want to engage, but you are being hurt and forced to change work. So it's about time to change the strategy.

So one day he asked me to do something and I just said "no", and he asked me why, so I told him "because you're an asshole, and I don't like you, go do it yourself".

Everyone in the office heard this, nobody reacted. I found out it was okay. We worked together for 3 years after that, and while the tone didn't get much better, some mutual... something was found and we got along "just fine" (insults seems to hurt less and less over time, especially when you get to pay them back).

Push back a bit with your colleague. It wouldn't surprise me if they are on medication or dealing with their own demons.

Try not to cry. I have seen it in the workplace and it tends not to play out well for the person who cries.

Finally, life is generally not either or...push back and look for a new job...see where it takes you.

(just to reiterate, I don't condone violence. My Irish upbringing was my brother getting beat up, I beat up who beat him up and my Dad waiting in the background in his vest if it escalated...my Dad was ahead of his day, pre Bruce Willis :-) I think however we have gotten so politically correct these days a lot of nonsense goes unchecked...a fight always starts with a face off, we probably still need that bit)

Your colleague and your boss is very unprofessional. Don't be like them, don't start playing childish games. Concentrate on your work , start looking for a new job, and leave.

Any attempt to change their behavior is in vain, you can't change someone's personality (or at least it's not your responsibility to do so).

Do your work to the best of your ability. Do not engage in debates. Do as you are told. Get things in writing. Report to your manager and manager only and do what they tell you to do in writing. Nothing more, nothing less.

Disengage.

This is not just one person. Your manager appears to have failed. That company will go down soon or will stop growing as it churns people out like cannon fodder.

One option is to put your manager in front of their responsibility by involving the proper people, their manager and HR. Being fired is a possible and likely outcome and you stated that you cannot afford that, so start looking elsewhere. Unless you deeply care about this company, as in, you want to build it and take it to the next level, go somewhere else. Life is too short to work with people you dread talking with.

Been there. I get you.

How should I proceed? Just suck it up until I find a new job?

You really don't have a choice about staying on until you find a new job, it seems. What you do have a (very significant) choice in -- is to what extent you continue to internalize and play along with this person's (and really, by extension, his boss's and the company's) attempts to make you feel inferior.

Which, to be clear - you absolutely do not have to "suck it up", or otherwise play along, even if it looks like you will have to stay on the job for a while until something else comes long. Not that this means confronting the bully and letting him know you're not going to take it anymore (which in a way plays into his game). But rather, you may want to look into strategies for "radical detachment".

Meaning first: understand, and keep reminding yourself that the nasty things he's saying have nothing to do with you (and are ultimately about his own feelings of inferiority).

Ditto for all the other stuff (apart from the outright nastiness) -- the credit whoring, finger pointing, etc -- or even what other people in the company think of you, You just have to keep reminding yourself that none of this stuff matters. It may even help to say this to yourself every morning over coffee before you log on (or otherwise "go to work").

Second - consider investing in a few hours of emergency counseling (with a professional therapist), to help you solidify the above strategy. Should only cost a couple of hundred bucks, but if it helps you earn a few extra thousand in padding until you've pulled yourself out of that place, it will definitely be worth it.

Finally, here's a useful mental model I've come up with when having to deal with toxic work environments: "Paid job search". Your employer has failed you, pure and simple. At this point you owe them absolutely nothing -- and if you need to dip into their till, by holding onto your salary while you look for another job (whilst doing the bare minimum of work as necessary - really, just forget about writing code with any eye towards long-term maintainability from now on) -- then so be it.

Their fault, their loss. Nothing to do at this point but stand up for Number One (that's you of course) -- and get out of that situation, as soon as convenient and comfortable for you to do so.

Who do you report to in the structure? What's the culture elsewhere in the company? If the culture is positive elsewhere and upper management seem like decent people, I'd go over your manager's head and explain what's going on to an executive. This sounds like a bad manager scared to have a difficult conversation. Outline specific events, with dates and relevant people, then put it in business terms. Employee retention, work quality, motivation as it relates to deadlines/innovation, etc. Whatever personal perspective you want to add, I'd keep it in a separate section because if they care, it'll be obvious what the impact to you is and if they don't care, they can focus on the business cost.

I guess if you're feeling really empathetic, you could talk with the abusive coworker directly, but that's a risk. Even just trying to connect with him as a person - asking him how he's doing or something non-work related.

I'm sorry you're going through this and I hope you find a way out. If it was me, I'd tell the boss that I won't work with $abuser and to go fuck himself if that's a problem. Apparently that kind of behavior flies.

I doubt it will change and I've never seen in my whole life a company take some attitude against people like this in companies. They usually don't get promoted, but they hardly get fired, and if you complain about it, you are taken as the weak/prey, not somebody that wants the company culture to not be toxic. It's generally a losing game.

Some companies put upfront that they want a non-toxic environment and make sure to have a diverse team, that people follow guidelines etc. In an environment like this it's possible to remove this kind of toxicity. Otherwise it's hopeless. You'll look like the crazy person trying to fix a toxic company.

It will not better, your boss has told you as much. The reality is that they either value the abuser more than you, or they don’t believe that you’ll leave.

I would not bother going to HR unless there is an physical abuse, sexual harassment or things of that nature. Unless, and sometimes even when, things rise to that level HR will almost always side against the one “rocking the boat” (you).

Don’t voluntarily leave this job until you have another, but I’d slow way down on work, look at taking mental health leave if it’s paid, etc. If they’re a big enough company make them go through the Performance Plan steps and maybe offer you a severance up front.

Engage with the rest of your team in 1:1s - intentionally strategize to keep him in the dark, perpetually behind the ball, and mysteriously uninvited from meetings. When he asks questions you say you don't know. When he tries to push an agenda in meetings, you allude to decisions floated in 1:1s he was not there for. This is pure office politics but it will gradually lead to his self-destruction. The org has already demonstrated that it does not care, and this means it is more likely to punish for action than for inaction on your part. Shunning starves him of his best mechanism for toxicity: turning information into vulnerability. He will start acting out when deprived of info. That just means you are winning.

After you leave drop it on the CEO's desk on the way out.

Stand up for yourself and put this piece of shit in his place. The peaceful solution is not always the most effective.