> distributing binaries on Linux is an enormous pain.
It doesn't have to. Packaging using FPM [0] allows many targets (deb, rpm, etc) and using ELF2deb [1] (shameless plug) allows packaging any files to a .deb with no effort.
[0] https://github.com/jordansissel/fpm
[1] https://github.com/NicolaiSoeborg/ELF2deb