Thanks for the compliment on my macabre take.
Parse was very very good for making it easy to prototype apps. However, once apps began to scale, Parse fell apart and was not a suitable technology. They would not have been able to make money because all the big money comes when people have full scale deployments on a platform, and that simply would not have been possible with Parse's shitty-for-scale technology. Again, very awesome tech for rapid prototyping mobile app development ca. 2012 2013..
It wasn't my decision to bet on the technology; it was in place when I was called in to put out the fires. I have a hard-won personal rule not to bet my organization's technical architecture on any tech that hasn't been around for at least 5 years UNLESS it solves a mission-critical pain point / workflow / etc.
I was on the engineering team for another mobile app that did $20M a year in revenue, mostly from in-app subscriptions.. was extremely costly to manage, so seems like you may have a pain point here and a new tech that may be worth betting on. Good luck!