I realize I've spent too much time playing video games, hanging out with friends and so on, to realistically be able to compete with someone who has been on a track and dedicated for 5+ years.

So the thought of "You only just have to start _now_", after I've been through 20 years of education completely paralyzes me. I wouldn't want to hire me. And I can't concentrate or focus enough to actually learn programming (been trying for 4 years now), since the negative thoughts just keep returning, and I have a hard time convincing myself that I'm wrong.

It feels like I'm just waiting for things to get worse, and what scares me is, that this thought doesn't even bother me anymore, because I feel that my situation is justified.