I've, over the past few years, grown more and more lonely with very little outside contact. My job does not interact with others much, topping out at the same few co-workers day in and day out.
I've only ever had a small group of friends, which has grown even more thread-bare with age.
Besides "go meet people" (how?), how do the fine people of HN deal with loneliness? Especially in the case your quite introverted? I like being alone, just not all the time, and not to the point of despairing loneliness.
I reach out, for fear that it envelops me.
Overall, I've never been to a place where it was easier to meet new people and make new friends. I liked Chiang Mai more than Bangkok, but they're definitely two of my favorite cities ever. Koh Lanta is also a paradise.
I'm planning to go back in January again. The lifestyle there is perfect for me at this point in my life (28 year old web developer).
Some pics from my trip: https://drive.google.com/open?id=0B45Al_n9xsrna25kZ0RFdXBOb0...
Far more likely to get chatted up in the West than there.
The Starbucks example is very exaggerated unless you are very very good looking and luck, and even then I am sure it would happen every time.
All in all, just because you go to Thailand your "alone" situation might not change in the long run.
That being said, I do agree with coming to Bangkok and it can definitely be an amazing time. And to directly address the 'girl' focused aspect of the comment, dating here is a very relaxed and fun experience.
Also, I love dogs (probably more than most people). They're loyal, do not judge (unless you have a treat), and live in the moment - what more could one ask for?:) Animals can provide a lot of companionship.
It does come with a lot of responsibility, and that agonizing certainty that you'll grieve your pet after some 10 years of great companion.
I agree, never alone with a good book. But, having spent weeks at a time reading 5+ hours a day, it can become lonely in itself.
A doggo might be a good choice
Was perfect way to spend an afternoon without draining too much energy.
Seconded. If you like dogs, having one forces you to go out. In my past days (before I met my wife), my dog was the only thing to get me out of the house. I'd frequently go to the park, beach, etc.
Going places before the I got my dog felt like going to a movie alone. With my dog though.. well, I had someone, and better yet, I was focused on my dogs enjoyment. If she was happy, I was happy. I also became a lot more sociable and had more social interactions when I didn't care about other people, strangely enough.
1) Toastmasters. This is like alcoholics anonymous for people that are addicted to shyness. And very likely there will be some people there that are even more quiet and introverted than you are.
2) Social dancing. I'm guessing you are male, in which case you will be in high demand. Even if you are overweight & ugly as sin, if you can keep a beat then the girls are gonna want some. If you are as intelligent as you sound then this is also a big plus: the smart people end up being the best dancers. And it's not about talking or being interesting, it's about the mechanics of space and time (physics and music). I would recommend tango: this is where all the real nerds end up.
Getting over the fear is not going to happen on its own. Instead I would suggest finding something where you are more excited than afraid.
I keep saying to myself that I'd be no good and it'd be embarassing, not to mention I'm not (never have been) a "dancer" but I'm thinking this swarm intellect might have a point... And perhaps I should seriously consider signing up for a beginner dance class.
Any reason why Tango is where the nerds end up?
I would suggest you try whatever dance attracts you. For example, consider if you like the music. You might like swing, but I find it's too energetic & bouncy for me. Salsa always seems to have the music up way too loud. If you do try tango, stay away from "ballroom" tango, the real one is the argentine tango.
But yeah, be prepared to be not good at it at the start! It should be ok though, especially if you enjoy it, it wont matter how many moves you can do. It's all about letting go of the thinking mind and just being present to the moment.
There is also a point of general availability. When you check out your typical dance studio around the corner, there are salsa, hustle, swing and tango. Of those aforementioned tango seems most promising from romantic point of view.
[1]: Sting - "The night the pugilist learned how to dance" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SptmkMYQdRs
What loneliness tells you is that you haven't gotten the sort of stimuli you'd expect out of having a position in a social group. Experiencing it sucks because this is the sort of thing that is extraordinarily dangerous.
So, how do you get "I am part of a larger group that accepts me" signals? Go and do stuff. If you're not naturally inclined to stay on top of things, get organized about it. Texting/IMing your friends/acquaintances is a good choice. Volunteering somewhere could also help. Regular hobbies are great - I do social dancing. Swipe on a few Tinder profiles and see if you can strike up a conversation. It really doesn't matter what you do, so long as you use your planning faculties and organization to compensate for your lack of socialization drive.
I would strongly advice against that. Research has shown that the use of Tinder decreases the self-worthyness of in particular male users.
Anyone who is already lonely or lacking self-esteem should stay well away.
This post, albeit inconsequential, was my first step in "doing" something about it. I've been alone for years. I've never admitted it. I'm reaching out. I just need to.. Scale up.
Thanks for the advice.
Like a coffee shop with the added bonus of everyone having similar interests. Who knows, the wife and I may make some friends too, or take part.
However, I'm asking because I don't want to go there and feel obligated to partake in some event/thing. Lowkey with benefits is what interests me. Thoughts?
I went through hell with a series of offensively noisy and aggressively inconsiderate neighbors. So, I avoided home. And I didn't invite people over. And, as the months wore into years, my home took on aspects of neglect.
I was "trapped" at first by some circumstances I didn't deal with well. Then more thoroughly by the self-reinforcing nature of this decline.
Basically, if I'm not comfortable at home, I do not have people over. I lose a big part of my control over my interactions as well as my ability to reciprocate.
Further, since these circumstances stress me so, I don't feel well about myself -- including my inability to more effectively deal with the situation -- and this also causes me to engage less.
And as this is self-reinforcing, so is the attendant, resultant loneliness.
When I do get away from it, I enjoy interacting with people and seem to do reasonably well at it. Well, the "cool" people are still too self-absorbed to accept me. Fuck them -- a lesson too long in learning.
I'm not saying I have "the answer." But my intuition, of many years now, has not changed: I need to get the hell out of here and to somewhere I'm simply more happy and at peace with myself.
Otherwise, half my mind is always at least subconsciously worrying about the monster behind the door. Like neighbors with sub-woofers who would rattle my windows for hours on end.
I live in a rural town, which I love (courtesy to introversion) but sometimes it can get lonely, and yes, that self-reinforcing spiral then happens. I try to go to tech events in big cities at least once a month so I'm reminded that I 'belong' to this community, even though most of the time I don't interact very much. (And that's ok too, be comfortable with who you are! :)) Seems to be working, that and monthly meetups with old friends and nurturing an appreciation of my own company. This is just me though - try different things so that you can find which suit you best. Chin up!
So let me make this simple. Get Out ASAP! Do whatever it takes to get out of there as soon as possible, but every day you stay your mental health will deteriorate. Cost should not be an issue here.
When you get out, ensure you are in a somewhat flexible situation, rent instead of buy etc. It'll take some time to heal and your preferences or needs might change during that time.
Things will be so much better afterwards. In retrospect, I can only say that for everyone in this situation, their first priority should be getting out.
Good Luck !
Good luck with your journey, and thanks.
What makes you say that? I ask because I've also become slightly sceptical of the idea. Is there real, empirical evidence for people being one or the other?
I remember hearing someone on a podcast (I think it was Ramit Sethi) talking about "Introvert Porn", where he's saying there's all this stuff online basically reassuring introverts that it's part of who they are and there's no point trying to change. The reality is that (in his opinion) social skills can be learned, and social interaction becomes less tiring when your social skills are better.
I'd love to hear any arguments for or against the introvert vs. extrovert theory, because I feel like I'm still making up my mind. I've always felt like an introvert, but I'd prefer to think of it as something that's in my power to change.
It has also taken on it's own social meaning. For example, shyness is often associated with introversion and that may not be the right way to look at it.
"A 2012 study completed by Randy Buckner of Harvard University discovered that introverts tended to have larger, thicker gray matter in their prefrontal cortex — a region of the brain that is linked to abstract thought and decision-making — while extroverts had less gray matter. Buckner concluded that this might be accountable for introverts’ tendencies to sit in a corner and ponder things thoroughly before making a decision, and extroverts’ ability to live in the moment and take risks without fully thinking everything through (which has its cons and benefits, of course)."
We have different brain responses to arousal hormones - which is what allows introverts to do the abstract stuff that extroverts can't manage.
What you win on the swings, you lose on the roundabouts.
So some things to consider in no particular order:
Shame about being lonely drives people to feel more lonely. Don't let that trap engulf you.
Take steps to explore your psyche and see if the roots of your loneliness are based in issues like self-esteem. Don't take this lightly. It's easy to dismiss, but if those forces are present in your life, they'll be very difficult to see clearly.
Are you religious? Go to church (or sangha or whatever). Got an addiction? Go to a 12 step group meeting. Like board games? Find folks that like to play and hang out with them. Seek out opportunities to interact with people preferably in the flesh, but online can work too.
Get a therapist. Or a spiritual guide. Whatever, as long as they understand how the human psyche works, and that you're there to work. If that suits you.
Don't underestimate loneliness. There's a reason why our most feared punishment is isolating people. Because it's terrible.
Learn to relish solitude. Don't let an idea about solitude trick you into thinking that being alone is good.
Humans are social animals. Not being part of the herd represents an existential threat to us. This is a major cause of suffering in our species.
Humans are solitary animals. Being part of the herd can be a major stressor for us. This is a major cause of suffering in our species.
Best of luck.
That escalated quickly!
> Like board games? Find folks that like to play and hang out with them.
This one is definitely good advice. Introverts find it easier to mix with fellow introverts. I speak from experience. I can trace an awful lot of friends back to various magic the gathering sessions or lan parties
That aside, you've received some excellent advice in this thread. I won't reiterate any of it. Instead, I just want to say that you're very brave to come here and make a post like that.
I wish you the absolute best. Feel free to email me if I can be of any help.
I'm not near Regina, but your offer means a lot to me. Seriously.
Thank you.
- Try Meetup.com. Endless options there. Don't be afraid to be awkward. Read about social skills and practice them.
- Be a better friend and initiate contact with people you know - don't wait for them.
- Also make a list of all people/friends you know local or non-local. Refer to that list and keep in touch. This is harder than it looks but is important. I was surprised how many folks I had a good connection with but did a sucky job of keeping in touch with.
- Attend workshops, classes etc where you have the chance to meet others in a like minded setting. Especially overnight ones. There are always group events happening in urban environments. Seek them out.
- This is going to sound dumb - but try to interact with people via social networks. It teaches you a bit of initiative and also leads to in person quality time in some cases. But be careful that you don't get swallowed by it.
- Have something interesting at your home - like board games, gaming , good list of movies to watch. That way you can feel comfortable inviting people over to hang out at your place and have a good time. It feels nice to say "I have a really cool board game - why don't you guys come over and let's have some fun, along with some beer/drinks"
- Be interesting - if you are passionate about 1 or more interesting topics outside work, and talk about it with folks you meet, they will remember you. It could be AI, self-improvement, meditation/mindfulness, running, fitness, music and so on. But learn to talk about your passion intelligently. It leaves a mark.
As for some of your suggestions, it's not that I have a laundry list of out-of-touch friends. I keep in touch with every one of my good friends from High School and College. The problem is, that list is about | | <- that big. Also, I removed myself from all social networks (and have read a number of articles linking FB usage with depression, which I dont need more of).
Thank-you.
Problematic. For many people these are the only ways they are organizing activities together. It's all about how you use them...
You are not looking to make a connection.
The goal is to get bored with what ails you. After telling about why you feel bad 20 times to 20 different people your brain gets bored with this narrative. Then it moves on to more interesting things and you stop feeling bad.
This strategy helped me get over post rejection loneliness in few short months.
Remember, loneliness is not being alone. It's feeling bad about it.
I agree with the first part, but not with the second.
IMO, loneliness is not feeling bad about being alone, it is suffering from being alone. All four combinations of alone/lonely are more or less common.
Personally, I find the "not alone/lonely" combination hardest to take: feeling alone among people. Realizing that made me spend more time on my own and being less lonely as a consequence. Still, nothing helps when really feeling lonely, except meeting someone who does not make you feel even more lonely.
The de-facto approach is drinking. Drinking is a great way to meet people but it is often skewed toward young to middle aged people without family so can get old/tired/irritating/self-destructive. The good thing is it's easily available all the time and there's a ton of venues, so if you don't like one just browse for another.
As others have said there is no substitute for social groups... there are many options here. One good one is dancing, there are quite a few cool social dance groups in many cities now, swing/salsa/tango/etc, and in general talent is firmly not required! The younger me would have said it's not my thing, but now that I'm in my mid 30s (and married with kid) I think it's an awesome scene and regret never getting in to it! Seriously, check this stuff out.
There are also a few good team water sports with big social elements .. things like sailing, rowing, outrigging, dragon boating. Sailing is good because you can do the social side but also get some self time, while being part of a wider community. If you want more team stuff, you can sail larger vessels where it's total commitment. The other options (paddling style) are pretty full on social and may be a bit much, depending on your personality.
You can join a low level (or high level if you're competitive) dodgeball team, or soccer, or basically whatever strikes your fancy, then meet some new friends. It also gets you out of the house once a week or more with some new faces.
If you're really really not into athletic pursuits, I would second meetup.com for your interests. You also might check to see if your city has any bars/restaurants focused around board games or trivia. Those are also great for meeting new friends.
In my case, I have stopped thinking about it. Admittedly, some days it's not so easy, but the next day it's gone. What can I say. Some people like parties, others like strange things, and we like to be alone.
May I ask what you do on the days that it is bothering you? Do you just keep going until it doesnt bother you?
I find that I can do this, and have been doing this. It's just lately... The days I'm stuck living and feeling my loneliness outweigh the days I forget about it.
As always, is complicated. Probably two major things happening. First, years of practice. Second, a new hobby/hope.
For years of practice, what I mean is, for example what I learned about myself while talking to a therapist. Also techniques from books, blogs, videos, etc. More interesting, and probably more important is what I have learn about how the mind works. That really helps.
The hobby/hope/purpose or whatever they want a call it, it's very helpful. I'll even say it's necessary. It has to be big, like the coolest thing ever. To make you wake up every morning thinking about it. Many of the activities recommended here could be a good option, but only if they would help you achieve that cool thing you like.
This is the first few part of the friendship formula. Proximity and frequency.
I've observed this in my own attendance at things like weekly pick-up sports games, organized leagues etc. Players who show up week after week are just as well-regarded as more-skilled, but less regular players.
We all help each other, which can be handy to bounce tech problems off too
Walking/hiking seems like an easy habit to get in to with benefits abound.
The easiest way to develop friendships or make connections with people is to show up regularly to a scheduled event. Even if you are the shyest, most social awkward person in the world, if you keep showing up to a regular event you will help combat loneliness.
My first suggestion is physical activities. If you're not already doing something active start there. Doing something physical will wear you out and help keep your mind from focusing on being alone. It is also a great way to meet new people and have something to talk about. Join a gym, a running club, start going to a rock-climbing gym, join a hiking Meetup group, find someone at work or a neighbor that likes to bike and go for rides, join a sports club or team, play airsoft/paintball, go geocaching, etc. There is something physical for everyone of all body types and abilities. Lets say you like lifting weights. Start going to the gym 3 times a week. Maybe after a few weeks you see a free yoga class and are interested, take it. Say hi to someone. Later on that person may need a spotter, or have a question. Boom, you've made a (sort of) friend.
Once you have a physical activity built into your routine, find one or two non-work (and non-video game!) hobbies that you enjoy. Chess, tabletop games, fishing, walking around the city, going to museums, fixing cars/machines, restoring furniture, painting, drawing, old electronic restoration, going to bookstores, -- literally anything you could see yourself spending 1 or 2 hours of free time on per day or every few days. Start doing this regularly. Don't worry if it's alone. Being occupied with something you like will make your mind too busy too care. PLUS once you need to drum up small talk with a friend/co-worker/whoever you will have something to talk about.
Don't be afraid of "looking lonely". If you enjoy going to bars/coffee shops/dinner/whatever once in a while, go to one! If you can invite someone great, if not, go anyway. You'd be surprised how many people do things alone. If you have the gift of gab, chat them up. Maybe you won't have a new friend, but it will be some interaction. Sometimes all you need is to physically be present around people to help cure the loneliness.
Also, and this one was the biggest change that affected me, say yes to things! If you are lucky enough to get invited to do stuff (by family, coworkers, anyone), say yes. Even if you can only show up or do the activity for 30 mins, go. Saying yes has a snowball effect, the more you say yes the more you will be invited. If you absolutely need to say no, have no interest, etc, offer a counter-invite to a separate activity and then follow up. Also, invite people to do things. Even if it sounds boring/lame/mundane. Have errands after work? Invite someone. People are more willing to do boring stuff then you would think.
I usually don't feel afraid of "looking lonely" but, there have been a few times I stop myself from going and grabbing a dinner at a bar / diner or whatever because I get caught up thinking people are going to pity me for being out to dinner alone.
I really like the counter-invite idea you mentioned in your last paragraph. I've been trying to say "yes" to everything I can but sometimes I just can't make it, and I've never thought to counter-invite.
Trekking has become a major part of my life in the recent years. It allowed me to discover myself in more details, how my mind works. I also briefly met people along the way, and slowly realised that their mind worked the same kind of way. They were travelling alone too, for most of them. Yet we were instantly friends. Didn't keep in touch, because that's life, but it's alright.
Try this: take a weekend for yourself, away from civilisation. Take a tent, go get lost in the woods (well, not actually lost), spend the night. Forget about your phone, your emails. Just tell one trustworthy person where you go, roughly, just in case.
Take that time look at the trees, the insects, the clouds, the Earth. Maybe you'll see a fox, maybe fireflies, maybe you'll only hear birds.
And if you're not willing to spend a night just yet, then wake up early, and be there at sunrise. Have a breakfast, have a lunch. Walk, or not, whatever works for you, but just take your time.
Then stop for a moment. Anchor yourself to the ground. Why not walk barefoot? Imagine your feet are rooted deep down into the earth, all the way down to the burning core. Feel the wind on your skin, hear the birds in the distance, see the trees shiver in the wind, enjoy the silence.
I'm afraid I haven't yet found a cure for loneliness myself. But this above, my friend, is what makes my life worth living!
Good luck, you'll see better days :)
Bonus: I also look and feel great now thanks to working out.
But you're right; we're social animals and will never get away with complete solitude. It sounds that you do enjoy your own company, but need the occasional 'break' from yourself. You mentioned that you have a handful of friends? Focus on them, even though you may feel that it's tedious.
I know that "going out and meet new people" is cliche but it's so true that it's a great first step. Try meetup.com to find out events that you might be interested in. Don't just go for tech, try a new crazy thing, oh and hiking ;) Sunning your face and relaxing your eyes over vast expanses can do wonders to the soul, I find.
with a sociable pet you get company at home; and for instance with a dog there are usually local dog parks where fellow owners _eventually_ meet eachother and while not becoming friends always can be a social event with your peers.
I've been working out at a gym for many years (semi-social, makes easy conversations possible with like minded people, though you have to worry about people with ear-buds whom don't want to be disturbed), karate (very social, good strong local friend group now ... go to dinner with them, go to events with them, all help each other).
I had in the past done various meetups (many years ago), to get conversations going.
I recommend getting a nice friendly dog; labrador breeds are great. I have a Chesapeake Bay retriever mix as as a rescue ... wonderful companion, and excellent conversation starter when I walk him. Very friendly, rarely barks ... he's a rescue, and had a terrible life before we adopted him.
The dog part is tremendously helpful BTW. When my wife and daughter are out, I can sit on my couch reading a book, and he'll hop up next to me for comfort. I'll talk to him, and happily, most of the time he doesn't answer ... though he knows enough words (treat, cheese, bone, walk, trot, outside, play), that I'm rarely really ever alone.
2. Bluegrass jam, or any casual music circle thing. The people you meet are also people you might spend a weekend camping with because you end up at music festivals together. Gotta learn an instrument, though. And one one will occasionally run into the “gotta be better than everyone else and make sure they know it” asshole, but rarely. Usually a pretty mellow bunch, and the good ones let their playing, not their mouth, speak for their skills.
3. Some kind of sport, like running or cycling, or even beach volleyball I guess. Caution: could be assholes a’plenty if you get in the wrong group. I prefer runners, as they’re generally a more laid back group. Try trail running if you like it so laid back you’ll smell pot smoke before a race.
Those are the three things I regularly participate in where me might meet people (including a romantic partner), and generally nice people at that. Extrapolate to your own tastes and interests.
I find it still really hard to make male friends as a male. I've even gotten numbers from other guys who I've met at a bar and had a blast with all night, but it's still just a little bit weird to call the guy afterwards. In order to make male friends, I think it takes a shared interest in something and repetition. Maybe through a meetup or a weekly rec-league dodgeball game or something that you wouldn't hate dragging yourself to.
Making that first step _is_ tough though. Good thing is that it's usually the toughest.
There's an interesting lesson in there as well about pair dancing, in that you can have wildly different experiences with each partner, similar to relationships.
People speak about thoughts, emotions and actions as if they knew what they are or how they are gestated. "I AM mad!", "Because I THOUGHT that ...", "I do FEEL alone", etc.
They think they are behind their thoughts, emotions and actions, that they ARE what they think, feel and do, and nothing could be further from the truth and it is the easiest thing in the world to evaluate it because they couldn't stop thinking for a minute even if their life depended on it.
And this is the gravest error we commit, to believe we are in conscious control and therefore solving problems seems abstract or even impossible to us. As they've said in older times "if you know not that you are asleep, you cannot wake."
See once for yourself the reality of how unconscious awareness leads to chains of thoughts running completely on their own without the involvement of will or participation, leading to mechanical emotions and mechanical action.
See this happening and something is evoked, the capacity to act against yourself or the inner urge that drives you to behave in a certain way, the unconscious machine that merely reacts to impressions outside and inside. It becomes possible to act free of constraints where otherwise you would merely re-act according to how you think or feel or are accustomed to.
Philosophy called it the paradox of free will. From there on problems actually can be solved because inner change is possible and feasible. If you understand that the outside is merely the reflection of your inner state, everything can change radically.
The way I am learning to overcome my loneliness and social anxiety issues, is be forcing myself to go out with people when I am invited, and to exercise (perhaps to the extreme) with cycling, climbing, swimming, running, etc.
Remember however that loneliness is not something that anyone else can solve other then yourself. You may need to change your situation, and surround yourself with people similar to yourself, and understanding kind people if possible.
As others have said loneliness is a problem of situation, and lack of contact with others. Your absolutely doing the right thing by reaching out and talking about it however!
I recently joined a hiking group on Meetup.com and it looks promising. Being out in nature with other people who enjoy being out in nature, being active, seems like a good way to meet new people in a more relaxed setting (that is, not a loud bar or work event). Then the onus will be on me to stay in touch with at least a couple of them, but even if I don't there will always be the next hike where we could catch up.
I believe human relationships and social interaction are the key to happiness and the lack of it is a major source of suffering. However, at the same time, we also have our individual characteristics that define us. Balancing both our need to be an individual and our need to be social relates to being in harmony with life.
I try to help as many people as I can feel less lonely so I'm happy to have a chat if you'd like.
You could look for groups to participate in that involve some established interest of you, such as a book club. You could also put the word out that you are looking to widen your social circle and find some means to signal to existing acquaintances that you would appreciate it if they kept you in mind or pointed you in the right direction. Just letting people know you are open to introductions can help foster them. Introverts are often basically giving off "Go away!" signals without really being aware of it.
TLDR: Don't overthink it, just start with smalltalk.
Go to gym. Work out, simply talk to people. Go to a bar. Have a drink, simply talk to people. Look up amateur sport activities in your area (hiking, trekking, whatever). Join, participate. Simply talk to people. Why do I keep saying 'simply talk'? Because in the end it _is_ really simple. Loneliness is consequence of overthinking. If you don't feel confident, work on your image a bit. Some muscle mass and 'cool clothes' can do wonders (I know it sounds superficial, but hey it's truth).
You have to put yourself out there and do the work. That means make friends or even friends of friends. Find a hobby? Join a coed team sport (softball?)... bowling league? meet ups? Take a cooking class... anything with other people and in some subject you would enjoy.
You can accept the emotion and recognize it for what it is as a passive observer. Take things one day at a time.
I am an introvert, and meetups are a good way for me to control the circumstances and volume of socializing in my life.
I find it hard too.
What I do right now is: 1. Suck it up. This kind of works quite well for me, since I've also done meditation retreats in which you'll be forced to learn to deal with it. 2. If you don't have much time to go outside, then make it more of a point to call people. 3. Find something to do. Changing your attention to something else in which you can get engrossed in is definitely a good thing :)
Some people are personable and extroverted and are surrounded by people that want to be around them. For the rest of us it doesn't come naturally. I would suggest just becoming comfortable with it.
Just kidding. One thing I've learned to avoid depression: keep yourself occupied. While you're finding your solution it'll help you stop getting any worse.
You mentioned "fear" in context of reflecting on your situation but it is possible that it is some sort of "fear" that is keeping you from extending your social wings.
For me that means meeting people via activities. I’ve additionally found I’m happier when I’m a bit active so a lot of the specific examples lean that way but the general principle is the same.
Structured activities where the whole group is 20 people or less I can almost always handle especially if the activity itself is solo and the group socialization part can be dropped into and out of easily. My favorite activities like this are target shooting or archery: can’t handle people for a bit? Go shoot targets no one will disturb you. Feel like interacting? take a break and go to the water cooler ask for a tip on your form, compliment someones grouping etc and a conversation naturally starts up. But as soon as you are getting overstimulated it’s easy to go “I should really go practice see you in a few rounds” and drop out of the conversation.
Classes where we have to partner up so I’m interacting with a person or several people within the class, but one on one, with a known end time, work really really well for me. On days I can handle more interaction the door to chat a little during class and usually there is some conversation that happens just after. On days I don’t feel up to socializing there isn’t an obligation though. And because the interaction is structured around a skill I don’t ever have to stress out about carrying a conversation. For me boxing worked well, as did dance classes (which after I had done for a while so I felt comfortable and less like I was going to step on my partners feet led to social dancing). Language learning classes and meet ups were tougher but still worked well.
The final thing I did took some work but It’s really paid off in terms of expanding the people I know: I actively tried to turn myself into a social information hub. I have become a person who knows what is going on in my city in any given week. What are the beer festivals? What community events? What operas or plays in town? What fun runs are happening? What concerts are coming up? I don’t go to 95% of the things I know about but it means I can immediately make myself valuable to a new acquaintance by going “Hey you expressed an interest XYZ did you know $eventRelatedToActivity is happening? Seems like something you might be interested in” which firstly shows them I listened to them which everyone likes and makes them like you more and secondly tells them I’m a good person to maintain contact with because I can point them to things they enjoy.
