It's true, I can't argue with you. There are people at the hospital (or their parent organization) that know actual dollar amounts and then argue them with insurance companies. Outside of that person it's pretty hard to get any numbers, let alone numbers you should feel confident about.
I am a software developer, I worked for a mid-sized community hospital. "It's a frigging mess" is a reasonable summary and also heart-breakingly accurate.
This is one area in which the ACA is making progress: providing an incentive to the hospital to know what a particular procedure actually costs. Your example, while disappointing and frustrating, was extremely rare in the 90's. High deductible insurance has given every customer a reason to shop for the hospital with the most reasonable rates. I can't say if that incentive is strong enough, but I believe it is progress.