First off I don't want to be thanked or praised, I want to be PAID. If I do a great job give me more money, a day off, or something tangible. I don't want a non-monetary gift either. I have a drawer full of work trophies. It's nonsense. Why should I be thankful I have a job? I've earned this.
I used to have a manager that would thank me all the time and then praise me for the littlest thing. It lost any meaning it may have had and often feels more manipulative than anything. Student of the one minute manager https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_One_Minute_Manager.
I thank my co-workers all the time though because they don't have to be nice or helpful. And I nearly always help a co-worker when they ask for it and sometimes when they don't. I typically get a thank you. Thanks and praise from my teammates goes well beyond anything from a higher up. Maybe I'm cynical, but it nearly always feels like I'm being placated in some way.
Edit:
I think it goes further to respect and listen to the opinions of your fellow co-workers and your employees. Take all opinions into consideration. Do not dismiss anything immediately. Acknowledge those who've contributed yes, when taking any sort of credit when speaking to other higher-ups or outside the department.
Also respect a person's work. Don't throw it away for a complete rewrite because that's easier than trying to understand it and don't suggest a revision without fully considering what already exists.
Remuneration aside, they're humans who benefit from positive validation. It seems well recieved. Maybe an important point is I actually am grateful that they're good at their jobs. Man, working with competent people who aren't phoning it in is a pleasure.
And yeah, in the abstract, my position with my employer is basically "fuck you, pay me." But that's just a sine qua non. Whether or not I like being there is contingent on how I'm treated.
Your anecdotes are not about thanking people or expressing gratitude. I kind of agree with both you and the GP comment. I am a woman and my life taught me to do a lot of emotional labor. It mostly has not led to money.
I think discussions about stuff like this are probably overlooking something important. As best I can tell, being too touchy feely personal reads as "I love YOU" and is problematic. A better message is "I love your work, good job!" and that seems to be the note you are hitting.
So: Good job!
I've been at places where there was no thanks, no money, no nothing, but I was empowered and left alone enough to get things done. That was okay, but it still felt a little thankless (obviously).
I have been at places where there was little empowerment, but where there was monetary rewarding of people who somehow still managed to achieve things by working outside of the box. That was even worse; they recognized we did a good job, but didn't actually translate that to "let them be empowered to make decisions".
People aren't dumb. They can tell when they're actually appreciated. It's a combination of things. If an employer truly respects and appreciates an employee, the employee knows they will respond with verbal thanks, some sort of gift or reward (often limited by corporate, but could be something as simple as buying lunch, if that's an infrequent thing), and look to empower the employee further to continue their good work. Dropping the ball on any of these will leave it feeling disingenuous.
Second, if you look at research on incentives, I think you'll find reducing everything to money tends to backfire, where people who used to go the extra mile in the past stopped doing so because they knew the amount of money they would get would be little.
Think of this scenario some of us have been in. A friend of mine who's big on cars insisted he change my oil for me. He insisted paying Jiffy Lube is a big ripoff. So he did the work, and then I tried giving him some money. He got very offended.
I needed to visit a city for some personal work for a few days, and stayed at a friend's place while there. I tried paying him a nominal amount for his hospitality. Result: He was offended.
However, in both cases, if I repay them by buying them coffee or a lunch, there would be no offense. From my perspective, the outcome is the same: I lose the same amount of money. But on their side, the response is drastically different.
I won't get into which approach is "correct" or "better". The reality is that, in most societies, including the US, the majority behaves this way.
Dan Ariely in one of his books talks about the research involving what he calls "social" vs "market" contracts. The former is usually non-financial, and often involves favors we do for friends. The latter is usually precise and monetary.
Now of course, it depends on the type of work you do, but for most salaried positions, it is a mistake to assume that only market contracts apply ("I do work, and I get paid for it"). What Dan Ariely's chapter shows, is that when companies do lean towards mostly market contracts, bad things happen: Poorer productivity, fractious work environments, etc.
Even if you're getting paid, there is a place for both types of contracts. If you're one of those who care only for the amount you get paid, you're definitely not someone our team wants to hire. I've seen this even within my company - one org takes care of both contracts, and another doesn't. I used to be in the latter and I'm glad I left for the former.
In my company, we have a tool where any employee can thank any other employee with a greeting card. The recipient's manager is notified. The "thanker" can attach company money to it (almost always do) - a nominal amount. Anything over about $30 needs to be approved, but anything under is provided without managerial approval - the company just provides a fund for this.
I think it works well, and in my department, we are frequently encouraged to thank others using the tool for both big and small things.
It doesn't impact your annual review at all. You still have the usual process to get a raise, promotion, etc.
I'd say the issue is subtle, it's kind of "push" vs. "pull" thing. It's great if people believe in your mission so much they're willing to work overtime for free, or be paid low. But if you start to expect people to work overtime or accept low pay because mission!, then I'd say you've just broken the "social" contract of not being a manipulative asshole, and we're back to "fuck you, pay me" situation.
I always make a point of telling anyone in IT at whatever company I worked for that I appreciated what they did and knew it was a thankless job.
It's one of those areas where if you do a perfect job no one knows you're there and you're only high-profile when you screw up.
I've found over the years that they'll pay back that kindness ten-fold and often when you're in some sort of gnarly bind where time is critical.
"Treat the cleaners like they're The Queen; treat The Queen like she's a cleaner"
Similarly: "grief travels up, praise travels down" and "be nice to those you meet on your way up as you may well meet them again on your way down".
I use all of these mantras on a daily basis and I believe they work. I can't guarantee my food is spittle free but I have never had reason to believe otherwise.
I confess I have been known to break this rule with phone spammers.
I'm a teacher: the canteen staff know a surprising amount about students and can spot changes in mood/attitude very quickly. Its uncanny. Caretakers basically run the building. Advanced warning of furniture moving needs, and any special setups and a quick word of thanks afterwards, ensures smooth running. Good reception staff know where everyone is.
I like to think they enjoyed learning about the process and will appreciate it more in the future.
I really do wonder what kind of accounting gymnastics this kind of thinking leads to, as at the end of the day someone has to pay the people that monitor and maintain the hardware, never mind the power bill.
I've not found that it's something that's repaid. If anything, folks are more motivated by the guy who shouts at them and never thanks them, because they want his impossible to win approval. The thankful person gets ignored.
There's probably a happy medium to be had somewhere.
My comment to your experiences: I've been in your shoes. The solution was not to become cynical, but merely to find a better work environment.
When I was leaving my old job, the refrain from my peers was: "You're just running away. You'll face these problems in all jobs."
Never been happier that others were wrong.
I always try to learn it (by asking directly, but I'm a bit shy so it takes some time), and to show the appreciation for their work. It feels like a right, human thing to do.
San Francisco is vastly different than New Jersey, for example, and both are vastly different than, say, the rural south.
It devalues the entire notion of gratitude to engage in that sort of petty manipulation. Gratitude is rendered into a base and superficial thing.
We cannot publicize all the plugins we made. If we rip out the plugins, it is just a bot framework like many others, just with less features and more convoluted code.
Ok, our filter mechanism is probably unique. We can switch the bot to various german dialects like bavarian, swabian, etc. Works similar to http://rinkworks.com/dialect/works.shtml but changes bot output instead of web pages. It was fun for a week and now nobody uses it anymore.
I once tried to migrate our plugins to Errbot [0], but then decided it was too much effort for too little gain.
I see ton's of people in daily life who have cultivated modesty (eg: politicians, ceo's ect) . It is so obvious that its fake, why do ppl do this?
No. You have seen tons of people who have cultivated modesty-signalling. Signalling is cheap, but it stops passing for the real thing when overused. That's where the fakeness feeling comes from.
The more advanced manipulators are already practicing anti-modesty-signalling: Open disregard for courtneousness, plus some other subtler signalling that people subconsciously correlate with real modesty. Onces these tactics get widespread, they will feel fake too.
But all this does not mean you cannot practice the actual thing. Being mindful, thankful, etc does require practice... and it is harder than just signalling for it. It does not come naturally to human beings, at least not in our culture, but it does not make it worthless.
Yes (if done well) and yes.
>If it makes sense and is logical why can't you instantly become thankful, why do you practice?
For all the same reasons that other things that make sense and are logical do not instantly transform you.
Various studying habits make sense and are logical. Knowing them does not instantly change you.
Same with eating habits.
Heck, I do not know your age, but I'm old enough where it's easy for me to find things in my life where I knew the "correct" approach, but it took me years to change my behavior to be consistent with what I knew.
bad food is more appealing to eat. Is there something more appealing about not being grateful? probably. In which case constantly beating yourself is over doing the right thing as the article suggests is not going to work.
Same reason most diets don't work. you mind cannot deal with constant conflict all day, you have to understand and resolve the conflict, not chastise yourself all day.
(skip the joke about faking sincerity)
i think many people here would be surprised how many people don't give a shit about things like gratitude etc but just want a working/decent coffee maker in the office.
a healthy working environment is the most important.
- Thanks