> 40-pound jQuery file and 83 polyfills give IE7 a boner because it finally has box-shadow

[x] check

> You loaded all 7 fontfaces of a shitty webfont just so you could say "Hi." at 100px height at the beginning of your site?

[x] assuming 404'ed fontawesome as shitty webfont, check

> You thought you needed media queries to be responsive, but no

[x] check

> Your site has three bylines and link to your dribbble account, but you spread it over 7 full screens and make me click some bobbing button to show me how cool the jQuery ScrollTo plugin is

[x] check

Still pretty good site, but it's funny how accurately creator of http://motherfuckingwebsite.com/ has described the situation with the modern web :)