Matt doesn’t feel comfortable around you. He’s worried that you either don’t like him for some reason, or you’re mad at him. He thinks maybe you’re upset about his recent promotion, because it means you’ll have to do more work to cover for his newfound absence on the team
to
What we’re really saying here is that your unreconcilable feelings toward my lack of enthusiasm for you as a person might distract you from getting your work done.
Seems like an enormous leap.
Here's some advice:
1. Take a breath. 2. Do not vent to your friends. They're your friends. Their job is to be your echo chamber, which is only going to heat you up instead of calming you down. 3. Take another breath. 4. Now try to come up with a rational, constructive way forward.
The simplest, most reasonable response to this little intervention by your manager is the most obvious: tell him you're surprised, that you have no problem with your co-worker's success, and that if there's concerns they're free to talk to you directly, as you didn't realize there was a problem in the first place.
Then move the hell on.
This is the other person's problem, not yours, and escalating it like this, turning it into some personal, angry vendetta, only makes things worse.
And before folks suggest I wouldn't offer this advice to a man in this situation, rest assured, I would. In fact, I've personally been on the other side of exchanges like this. It's incredibly easy to stew and vent and transform the exchange from a stupid misunderstanding into a personal vendetta, with them cast as villain and you cast as misunderstood victim. And god knows it feels good... how exhilarating is it to get self-righteously pissed off? It's very addictive. Dangerously so.
The solution, regardless of the genders involved, is to be mature, erring on the side of assuming it's a basic human misunderstanding.
It's part of being an adult in a world where not everyone else is.
But. But. Consider an alternative hypothesis; that the author really did experience a bit of nasty, petty sexism.
In that case, responses like yours at best sweep the problem under the rug, and at worst patronizingly pat the woman on the head and tell her not to be hysterical.
In other words, if this is a real problem, your undeniably good advice actually isn't constructive towards fixing the root issue. It's allowing it to perpetuate.
And raging on Tumblr is?
Look, if there's some deeply embedded injustice going on, here, it's not evident from this single exchange.
If this single exchange is part of a broader pattern with this person, that's something a manager and HR can help deal with, and you would be very well advised to keep cool in order to avoid escalating the situation further. Maintaining the moral high-ground isn't just about ideals, it's also practical advice for winning out in an exchange like this.
If this exchange is part of a larger, company-wide or societal trend, speaking about it rationally is still the better course as, right now, it's very hard to take this person seriously. Without additional context, this just looks like an insecure 20-something who's just struggling with their first workplace confrontation.
To some up: I can think of no scenario where behaving as this person has done will improve the situation, whether it's a one-off, or something systemic.
Edit:
Incidentally, it's entirely possible that this person raged out on their blog as part of processing this whole thing, then stepped back and started looking for a constructive path forward.
If that's the case, great.
Everything I've written, here, presumes that this post represents their definitive reaction to the situation, which may be entirely unfair.
Actually, I'd say GPs advice is the right course of action, in part precisely because real sexism might be involved. In addition to providing a productive way forward if that is not the case, it also avoids an overreaction which provides an excuse for (and thus masks the sexism of) any adverse action in the future.
It doesn't sweep anything under the rug, in fact, it is the best approach for bringing what is actually happening out in the open (rather than escalating the one clear, undebatable problem in the situation under discussion, which is that people are acting based on unsubstantiated assumptions about others motivations.)
It frustrates me that this kind of stuff gets upvoted -- often far more than more even-handed writing that looks for a real path forward instead of someone to blame -- and then gets a lot of dismissive commentary. This only helps reinforce battle lines. It doesn't generally make men sympathetic to what women face; it doesn't propose an effective path forward; it doesn't provide new tools or mental models for genuinely improving things.
Men blame women for the fact that women feel crapped on. Women blame men for the fact that women feel crapped on. Neither of these positions gets us to a place where women stop feeling crapped on. Neither gives a new way to view the problem space so we can stop pointing fingers and start working together better.
If I were to nitpick, I'd say some interventions are appropriate, but only when adding context or information, and when the tone of the conversation makes them welcome.
(EDIT- spelling and clarity)
Here's a key example: "... most importantly and egregiously, pretend to accept and tolerate conversation and ideas that I find degrading, disgusting, and sexist."
Did such conversation actually happen with these specific coworkers, or does the writer just assume such by lumping all Heterosexual. White. Males. into one rotting bin? ?
Explicitly sexist (let alone "rapey") conversation in the workplace is actionable. There is very low tolerance for behavior contributing to a hostile workplace pretty much everywhere in the U.S. nowadays (for legal exposure, if nothing else) -- the author gives no indication that she ever initiated or pursued any report of inappropriate behavior to H.R. or superiors.
Anyway, a narrative riddled with comments like, "bro-bots", "rage-y, racist white dudes", "straight male rage against women", or "vast and exasperating patchwork of male insecurity" indicates zero interest in constructive, rational dialogue.
In closing, she includes, "I vented relentlessly to my girlfriends and my gay friends...". I found it unsurprising that she lacks straight male friends with whom she feels capable of candid conversation.
How is this person so sure of this? I have no idea what the orientation of anyone I work with is... I can eliminate "homosexual" or "heterosexual" for most of them, as they have mentioned ____friends, but certainly cannot eliminate "bisexual"...
I was once called into HR because I made someone feel uncomfortable by not saying hello to them that morning. I was intent on putting out a fire that was causing $1,000.00's worth of losses per minute. That was not important, because I made someone feel uncomfortable.
My discomfort was secondary in all situations that summer. If you think that sexism only works one way, think again. I wasn't part of the girls club. Many, certainly not all, of these women conducted their "locker room" talk in my presence.
There were inappropriate remarks, vulgar remarks, gentle teasing and even full blown harassment. Any man would lose a career over some of the things they'd talk about... or my ass they'd grab.
Professionalism is professionalism. One thing that stands out though, the women would continually accuse the men of the office of being sexist pigs, myself included.
The commenters that preceded me would do well to remember her article is a venting on Tumblr, and not the conversation she had with her co-workers or manager. Denigrating her tumblr post for being an inappropriate work attitude misses the point.
People probably think it's cliche because she uses the air conditioning is patriarchy argument.
And your response is another, classic example of the same problem; you're willing to give the guy in the story the benefit of the doubt while summarily dismissing the woman's complaint.
In other words, in a literal case of "he said, she said" you side with the male by default. Uncool.
You're drawing a false dichotomy. The third option (other than going to his manager or being a jerk) would have been to realize that not everyone at work is going to be his friend, and not complain about feeling uncomfortable because this woman wasn't acting towards him in the way he assumed she should.
A mature person would only complain to his manager about someone's behavior if it was clearly in violation of societal norms (hostile, racist, sexist, etc.). Feeling vaguely uncomfortable about somebody doesn't fall into that category.
The fact that there are so few female programmers shows that the problem is education and culture. Take kids' books - 95% of the time it's the boy who goes on adventure, and the girl just sits there waiting to be rescued or given by her father to the male hero. Then you go to toy store and the girl toys are all about makeup and nail polish, while the boys get to actually do stuff. I really don't understand how women can take this shit, and I say this as a white male.
This could play out exactly the same between two females or two males.
This is nothing more than a communication breakdown. "Matt thinks..." because Matt has to come to some plausible conclusion in his own mind. Nevermind if it's wrong, it's the best explanation he can find and we should respect that.
Now it's both of your responsibility, as social human beings wishing to maintain a professional relationship, to honestly convey your position to each other. If his accusation is blatantly false, don't use it to fuel your arguments, speak from your understanding of the situation. Now listen to his.
"Oh dear, aren't we silly, going off in tangents in our minds without any concrete evidence of these things actually being true." "I'm glad we talked."
Also, rattling off 100 ways in which you hate Matt is suspect. I don't like any of those things either, but I try to refrain from shit talking. If Matt wants to talk sports, I'll entertain it. Eventually he'll learn how shallow my interests are, maybe via body language or even a direct statement, and we'll discuss something else from then on.
The part where you offensively generalize what you think are typical male and female interests? There's the sexism.
I would feel uncomfortable around her too if she brought this attitude into the work place.
Side note: Please use contrast in your design choices if you're going to write multi paragraph essays. My eyes hurt!
Somebody so deadset against getting along with people and making friends probably shouldn't be surprised or angry that her coworker is concerned that they aren't getting along.
For me that would be exactly why I am uncomfortable with someone I work and spend time with every day.
That being said, many people actually prefer having that distance. For me I find that distance bothers me, and that may be a cultural thing.
Turning gray in 3, 2, 1...
Or do you specifically object to her use of the term "Rapey"? Even then I disagree with your characterization.
[1] https://www.insidehighered.com/news/2015/10/26/louisville-ba...
From her description he seems to have that kind of attitude, including calling women "chicks".
But as she states in her article, she kept to herself. There is no indication that she share this point of view with him, and more indication that she did not. She specifically stated he knows nothing about her.
In that same paragraph she talked about his innapropriate and unprofessional behavior. If you had any sympathy for what it might be like being a woman, you might be a little more forgiving of her hyperbole, and less forgiving of his calling women "chicks". You might have been taken aback that he went to the manager because he felt "uncomfortable", pointing out that the person who is most justified in feeling uncomfortable was her.
Since when is liking sports a professional requirement?
